We're All Ugly Inside Anyway
by AllBeautyDestroyed
Summary: I wanted to fight for you. I wanted to make this hard, but I didn't. You deserved to leave me with your dignity still intact. No matter how desperate or angry I felt, I couldn't put you through that
1. Bleed Out

**A/N: This story is probably just a one shot, but we will see. It's a little AU as far as the characters go. Demi Torres fronts a band. Selena Russo is strictly an actress. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not the song. Not the people. I can only claim the idea. The song I use is called "Bleed Out" it's by Blue October.**

Jameson, a tumbler, two ice cubes and a headache. That's the extent of my company this evening. I sit in the studio and stare at the silver wedding band sitting on the desk. It shouldn't be there, it belongs on my left hand. But like all misplaced things, there is a reason it is sitting there. You asked for the divorce and I gave it to you. I always told you I would give you anything you asked for. I meant it. This whole situation fucking sucked. I can't even begin to explain what went wrong. Whatever. I decide to listen to the song that I finished recording with my band. We want it on the next album. I'm just not sure if I can tolerate it. I take a deep breath as I hear the opening notes...

_Close my eyes_

_Feel you sigh_

_A desperate aching wonder_

_Will you ever, ever let me off my knees?_

_Wide awake_

_Like a dream_

_As simple as a secret_

_Being told, to everyone but me_

_Will I_

_Bleed out_

_I gave it all_

_But you can't stop taking from me_

_And way down I know_

_You know where to cut me with your eyes closed_

_Bleed out_

_It won't be long till this heart stops beating_

_So don't let me bleed out here alone_

_Hear my plea..._

_You won't hear my plea_

_Sudden rain_

_Coming down_

_It all comes back to me_

_Waking up_

_Falling down_

_Another day_

_Come undone_

_I keep trying to heal your pain_

_In return, you cut me over and over_

_One more time and I will_

_Bleed out_

_I gave it all_

_But you can't stop taking from me_

_And way down I know_

_You know where to cut me with your eyes closed_

_Bleed out_

_It won't be long till my heart stops beating_

_So don't let me _

_Don't leave me_

_Bleeding alone_

_I finally feel like I'm supposed to be_

_Don't you take this moment away from me_

_But before you kill me wont you_

_Won't you look back in my eyes and watch me_

_Bleed out_

_I gave it all_

_But you can't stop taking from me_

_And way down I know_

_You know where to cut me with your eyes closed_

_Bleed out_

_It won't be long till my heart stops beating_

_So don't leave me _

_Don't let me bleed out here alone_

_Hear my plea_

_Bleed out_

_I gave it all_

_But you can't stop taking from me_

_And way down I know_

_You know where to cut me with your eyes closed_

_Bleed out_

_It won't be long till this heart stops beating_

_So don't leave me _

_Don't let me bleed out here alone_

I'm pretty sure I can't stand this song. I sat down and wrote it about an hour after your lawyer served me with divorce papers. Ok, I started it. I didn't finish it until after you called me. That phone call was probably the single worst interaction I have ever had with you. It was fucking gut wrenching. I remember how tired you sounded. Your voice was hoarse from crying. I remember the first words out of your mouth when I picked up the phone. "Demi, I can't do this anymore. Please just sign them. Please..." And I did. I never could tell you no. I tried to repair the heartbreak I caused. It just wasn't working. We couldn't stop arguing. The arguments were nuclear. The last time I saw you I punched a hole through our bedroom wall. Our life was unraveling. When you accused of me of sleeping with that girl, I didn't even try to deny it. It will be the single most tragic mistake of my life. That girl certainly wasn't worth it. Just a nameless face looking for a good time. In case you're wondering, I never even touched her. It doesn't even matter anymore.

I wanted to fight for you. I wanted to make this hard, but I didn't. You deserved to leave me with your dignity still intact. No matter how desperate or angry I felt, I couldn't put you through that. Signing those papers killed me. I pick up the ring, it feels heavy. I feel the burning of tears behind my eyes. They won't fall, but they are there. I suppress the urge to throw the ring across the room. I reach for the bottle of Jameson and take a long pull. The amber liquid burns as it slides down my throat. I spent the next hour or so finishing off the bottle of whiskey. During that time I contemplated burning down the studio, calling you, and last but not least just leaving everything behind. Burning down the studio almost won. It would have been symbolic. In my mind I would be destroying the thing that tore us apart. My fame. Music. Even in my drunken stupor, I knew I was just making more excuses.

Sometimes I wish those photos were never taken. If you wouldn't have seen them, you would have never asked about that girl. The idea would have never made into your pretty little head. Fucking paparazzi. I still remember the sting of your hand across my face. I remember the tears and angry words. I remember how you sank down to the floor, your face in your hands. I mostly remember the way you looked at me, like you didn't even know who I was. That was a year ago. Our divorce has been official for about 2 months now. I hate it. I hate every second of it.

I have work to do. I need to stop this. I pick up my phone and call my manager. This dreadful fucking song will be the lead single from the next album. I leave a message due to the completely inappropriate hour and decide to go home. I use that term loosely. That fucking apartment is not my home. By some miracle I make it to my apartment building. I'm not even sure how I managed to drive. In the end I didn't care. Once I get through the door I don't even bother turning on the lights. It's pointless. There is nothing worth looking at here. I can't wait to see the fucked up pictures that will be all over the Internet and E network tomorrow. I can't go anywhere without some asshole taking a picture and asking me about you.I flop onto the couch and let out a sigh. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

One year later...

I put a gun my mouth about a month ago. I almost pulled the trigger. I'm still not sure why I didn't but these days I try not to over analyze things. Oh well. Maybe next time. I'm just going through the motions. I'm sleep deprived and overworked. I've stopped doing interviews. They constantly ask about you. The rest of the band takes care of the publicity. Which is kind of a weird situation for them. The last album has been huge. Three Grammys, Four AMA's, blah blah blah. It's sold over fifteen million copies. I'm so fucking happy people are stoked about my fucked up life. Whatever. Anything to make a quick buck. One more month until we take a break. This tour has been killing me. I want it to end. I'm used to not getting what I want though, so whatever.

I think about you a lot. As a matter of fact I haven't ever actually stopped. My life has been a mess. It took you all of five minutes to get custody of our daughter. My drinking and assault on an overly aggressive photographer did nothing to help my cause. I also love how you brought up the time I spent in rehab back when i was 18. It was lovely. The judge wasnt amused when I laughed out loud. I really just couldnt believe it. It's probably better that way anyway. You were my home. I am essentially homeless these days. Always on the road. It's really not a stable environment for a 5 year old. I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her...

I take out my phone and dial a number that kills me each time. After 3 rings you pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey its me, Demi."

"I know."

Awkward...

"Can I talk to Stella please?"

You sigh. Heavily.

"Actually no. She's in bed. You know this. Plus you shouldn't be calling like this Demi."

"Jesus fucking Christ Selena, I just wanted to hear her voice. I haven't talked to her in over a month."

Dead silence.

"You know what? I'm just gonna go. This is pointless. You stopped caring about what I had to say a long time ago. You win. You fucking win. I will not attempt to contact her or you or anyone that has anything to do with anything related to you. I'm done. Good fucking bye."

De..."

With that I hung up the phone and threw it into the wall. I watched as it shattered into pieces. It was fascinating. I imagine that's what my heart looks like. Fucking broken, and irreparable.


	2. On A Night Like This

**A/N: So I'm going to go ahead and continue this story. I already have the final chapter written. It's getting there that's going to be interesting. I realize this entry is short but it's the bridge to where shit gets real interesting. I appreciate reviews. Not necessary, but I do value input. Anyway, I don't own the song or the people. Just the idea. The song is called "A Night Like This" it's by Dave Barnes. **

They say time flies when you are having fun. I suppose I'm having the time of my life. I opted to extend the tour a couple more months. You know what they say, idle hands do the devils work. I needed a distraction. Unfortunately it wasn't working. I'm pretty sure it just made it worse. The music has and will always be about you. It's my own personal hell.

At this point I can't remember the last time I was sober. The irony of it all was I didn't drink to forget you, I drank to remember. My sober mind refused to think about you. When I drank it had no choice. My memories ran wild. I lived for it. It's all had I left of you.

I sat down at my piano, I stared out into the crowd. So many faces. None of them yours. I placed my hands on the ivory bars and applied pressure. As the notes began to form a recognizable tune, the crowd roared and I couldn't help but think back on the night I wrote it...

_You called me at a rather late hour asking for a ride home from the airport. Since I was such a loyal best friend I drug my ass out of bed to do just that. Once you cleared the baggage claim, you climbed into my car. I laughed at your disheveled appearance. _

_"Daaaaaamn girl! You're a hot mess!" I teased._

_"Shut up." You replied with a smile "Take me home. And by home I mean your house. I wanna snuggle."_

_"Snuggle? That costs extra!" I faked my best serious face._

_"Please...?" You whined._

_"Well damn. The pouty lip thing and puppy dog eyes are my weakness. Snuggling it is." _

_We spent the rest of the car ride in a comfortable silence. By the time we made it to my house you were holding my hand. You've always been sneaky like that. We have always been close. You were my best friend. We shared an intimacy like no other. I reached over and brushed a stray strand of hair out of your face. Your hand caught mine and held it against your cheek. The look in your eyes made my breath catch. I wanted to kiss you and I almost did. Almost. You were so beautiful it hurt. I knew in that moment that I would never love another person as much as I loved you. I wanted you for myself. _

_I had a hard time sleeping that night. I was restless. You made me nervous. I paced around in the shadows of my house, before I knew it my feet had brought me to my piano. I sat down and poured my heart out_

_On a night like this  
I could fall in love  
I could fall in love with you_

_In this dark so dense  
We talk so soft  
The way young lovers do_

_The days last sight  
Turns to cool nights breeze  
And this love hangs thick like these willow leaves  
I've hid myself away from this  
But your silhouette is a Judas kiss_

_On a night like this  
The moon sits still  
The stars are watching too  
The way you move is a lullaby  
I could fall in love with you_

_The days last sight  
Turns to cool nights breeze  
And this love hangs thick like these willow leaves  
I've hid myself away from this  
But your silhouette is a Judas kiss_

_On a night like this  
I could fall in love  
I could fall in love with you_

_As the I finished the song, I realized I was no longer alone._

_"Did you fall in love?" Your voice was raspy from sleep._

_i turned around to face you. I was speechless. I had no idea how to even answer that question. I stood up and slowly walked toward you. The tension was palpable. As I got closer I could see the tears that stained your cheeks. I took your face in my hands and brushed them away with my thumbs. _

_"Don't cry baby..." I whispered as our foreheads touched._

_"Tell me. I need to hear you say it. Tell me I'm not losing my mind. I can't do this anymore." Your voice cracked._

_"I love you." I said softly before pressing our lips together. That was the first time I kissed you._

When I finished the song, the crowd was screaming. I smiled and waved. I felt like complete shit. I felt disconnected. I signaled for my guitar and continued with the rest of the show. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I can. I want my daughter. I want you.

After the show I showered and made my way to my bus. I was exhausted and needed a drink. As I boarded the bus I noticed Davey my drummer sitting on the couch.

"Demi, we need to talk." He didn't look happy.

I knew I wasn't going to like this.


	3. The Gift

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews and follows. I appreciate them. Feel free to shoot me suggestions. Who knows, I might add your idea. This is a short update, but it's a good one. I hope you guys enjoy. As always I own nothing but the idea. The song is called "The Gift" by Seether. **

My eyes scanned the length of my tour bus hoping to locate another person. Shit. We were alone. Davey didn't look very happy at all. In fact he looked like he wanted to kill me.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Wow. Straight to the point.

"I'm going to try and pretend that you didn't just use that tone with me." I responded sharply.

"Look, let's start over." He gestured for me to sit down.

"I'm good. I'll stand. I suspect this wont take long."

"Ok. Fine. The rest of the band and I have discussed this at length. The past year has been hard on you, we know that but the drinking needs to stop. People are noticing and quite frankly Demi you're fucking up your voice. You're not taking care of yourself and without you, we have no band." He looked genuinely concerned.

"Let's not leave out the fact that you haven't seen your daughter in who the fuck knows how long. Do you want her to grow up without you? Selena won't let you near her as long as you keep doing this to yourself..."

"Look I'm going to stop you right there." I interrupted.

"I don't need you or anyone else to tell me how to manage my life. While I find this little talk touching, it's completely unnecessary. I'm fine." If looks could kill he'd be dead right now.

I watched as he studied me for a moment. He looked like he was struggling with what his next words should be. I hoped he chose them carefully.

"Demi, we've already talked to the label and management. They agreed to let you go if you didn't agree to enter treatment." He responded in a low voice.

"Are you threating to fucking fire me?" I was shocked. "My personal life has nothing to do with you assholes!" I was yelling now.

"Like hell it doesn't Demi! Your performances have been half assed for months now. Once it interferes with business it becomes our problem." He yelled right back.

I was furious. I can't tell you possesed me to swing, but I did. I felt the sharp pain as my fist collided with his face. The rest of what happened was a blur. People were shouting and pulling us off of eachother. Before I knew it I was being handcuffed and placed in the back of a police cruiser. The best part was all of the pictures that were being taken. It's probably not the best idea to assault someone at a venue crawling with photographers and writers. Fucking fabulous.

I sat on the bench at the police station waiting to get my mugshot taken. I was so screwed. Once I got done with booking my lawyer and assistant were already getting my bail taken care of. I hid under a hoodie as they escorted me out to a waiting SUV. Paparazzi were everywhere. I knew that I wouldn't be able to "no comment" my way out of this. As soon as the vehicle started moving my phone rang. Fuck, It was management. I knew what they wanted before I even answered the phone. I answered and agreed to meet at the office in L.A. In two days. I had two days to come up with a plan. I didn't even know where to begin.

I caught a red eye to L.A. I figured the sooner I got home the better. The next show was in four days, assuming that the rest of the tour isn't cancelled or postponed. I'm so fucking screwed. Once I boarded the plane and got settled in, I could feel eyes on me. I hate it when people stare. I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and took out my journal and decided to write. I needed to calm myself. Unfortunately I couldn't find the words. I literally couldn't write a single thing. What the hell is happening to me? I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window and watched as the city of Pittsburgh disappeared beneath me.

Halfway through the flight I began to hum a melody I couldn't get out of my head. I pulled my journal back out out and immediately started writing.

_Hold me now, I need to feel relief  
Like I never wanted anything  
I suppose I'll let this go  
And find a reason I'll hold on to  
I'm so ashamed of defeat_

_And I'm out of reason to believe in me  
I'm out of trying to get by_

_I'm so afraid of the gift you give me  
I don't belong here and I'm not well  
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living  
Right on the wrong side of it all_

_I can't face myself when I wake up  
And look inside a mirror  
I'm so ashamed of that thing  
I suppose I'll let it go  
'Til I have something more to say for me  
I'm so afraid of defeat_

_And I'm out of reason to believe in me  
I'm out of trying to defy_

_I'm so afraid of the gift you give me  
I don't belong here and I'm not well  
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living  
Right on the wrong side of it all_

_Hold me now, I need to feel complete  
Like I matter to the one I need_

_I'm so afraid of the gift you give me  
I don't belong here and I'm not well  
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living  
Right on the wrong side of it all_

_Now I'm ashamed of this  
Now I'm so ashamed of me_

Once I landed and turned my cellphone back on I had several voicemails and texts. The voicemails were from my assistant, my mom and my management firm. I had various texts from friends asking if I was ok and all that other crap. There was one text in particular that caught my attention. It was from Selena.

_I need you to get better. Please_.

It took everything I had not to breakdown. I wanted to respond, but I had no idea what to say. As I walked trough the terminal I felt numb. I hadn't talked to her in almost 5 months. I climbed into the waiting vehicle and for the first time in forever, I cried. Those seven words completely destroyed me.


	4. Come Healing

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews and follows. Hopefully you all enjoy this chapter. **

I awoke to the sound of knocking at my door. I had every intention of ignoring it, however it wouldn't stop.

"I'm coming! Hold on!" I shouted.

I pulled the door open without even checking to see who it was. Luckily for me it was my mother. Even luckier she was holding two cups of coffee. I moved to allow her to step inside. She stepped through the doorway and proceeded to the kitchen. She took a seat at the breakfast bar and gestured for me to join her. I made my way over and sat down next to her. She gave me the cup of coffee which I gladly accepted.

"That's quite a shiner you got Demi." She said as she examined my face. Her expression was neutral.

"Yeah..."

"When was the last time you spoke with or saw Stella?"

"Mom, can we please not do this."

"Ok Demi, when? When can we do this? When you decide to stop with the drinking? When you decide to stop getting arrested? When you decide to accept responsibility for your actions? When? Please tell me because from where I'm standing all I see is a girl that can't keep her shit together because she chooses to blame everyone else for the mistakes that destroyed her marriage."

My mouth felt try. I had no idea how to respond. I probably couldn't even if I wanted to.

"I'm your mother. I love you more than anything but there are some things that I can't protect you from. I'm letting you know that tomorrow the label and management team are going to release you. Nothing you say or do will change it. The band is done. They have already found a singer to replace you..."

"I know." I interrupted. "That's why I'm not going to go to the meeting. I have some other things that I need to do."

She reached over and took my hand in hers. I immediately felt the tears fall.

"Sweetheart, you're going to be ok. You're not this person. You've just lost your way a little bit. If anyone can get through this it's you." She pulled me into a hug and she held me while I cried.

"Are you sure you're not going to go to the meeting? It might look better if you do."

"I'm sure mom. I really need to focus on me right now. I could care less about saving face for the sake of my career. I'm gonna be fine as far as all that goes. I think..."

"Ok. I trust you know what's best for you. I really do Demi. I trust you. Do you understand that?"

"Yes mom I do. I love you."

"I love you too."

After my mom left I took one look around my apartment and sighed. It looked empty and dull. It was depressing. I decided to go and pick up some of my stuff from storage. Pictures, books,guitars, and clothes. I also arranged to have my piano delivered. It was still at the house Selena an I Used to share. Her assistant was very helpful as far as making the arrangements.

I was exhausted by the time I finished getting everything done. This place felt like my own now. It was comforting. It was the most at home I've felt in almost two years. I walked over to the fridge to grab some food. When I opened it I realized it was empty. I couldn't help but smile. Of course it's empty. I guess I gotta go grocery shopping. Awesome.

I left and went to grocery store. It's been a while since I've had to buy my own groceries. It took me a while, but once I finished I felt accomplished. It was amazing how therapeutic the most simple of tasks could be. Once I got home, I was too tired to cook but still starving. I opted to eat ice cream. It's awesome being an adult. You can eat whatever the fuck you want for dinner.

As I headed toward my bedroom I heard my phone off. I grabbed it and saw I had a text from Selena. I opened it.

_You took the piano_.

I sent her a response.

_Yeah. I figured it was about time I accepted I don't live there anymore. _

She didn't respond and I didn't expect her to. I climbed into bed completely exhausted. I thought about how fucked up I've been these past couple of years. My mom was right. I'm to blame. I hope it's not too late to make amends. I've burned so many bridges. I closed my eyes and for the first time in while, I slept peacefully.

The next morning I awoke to the smell of breakfast cooking. What the hell? I probably should of been more alarmed but I realized that if I was danger whoever it was probably wouldn't have cooked me breakfast before killing me. I got out of bed and made my way towards the kitchen. Miley. It was fucking Miley. Dear Jesus I am not ready for this.

"Mornin'!" She said. A little loudly I might add.

"How the Hell did you get in here?"

"Umm, with a key obviously." She said rolling her eyes. I'm not even sure how I put up with her.

"You know most people call and ask to be invited over."

"Girl please, I ain't seen you in a long ass time. I decided that you needed a little company. Besides when was the last time you actually answered a phone call from me?"

"Good point." I replied.

"You look like fuckin shit." She said as he stared at the black eye.

I immediately started laughing. We both sat down at the table and caught up over breakfast. In all honesty, it was nice to see her. I haven't really spent time with any of my friends since the divorce. I've missed them.

"Have you talked to Selena lately?" She asked nonchalantly.

"Not really. I texted her last night. She asked me about the piano."

"That caught her off guard just so you know. She damn near had a panic attack when she noticed it missing."

"She told you about it?" I asked kind of surprised. Selena and Miley have never really been close.

"Naw, she told Taylor. Taylor told me." She drawled.  
"Anyway, it's been nice chatting Dem, but I got shit to do! Ill catch ya later."

I walked her to the door and after we said our goodbyes I walked over the piano. Why would that upset Selena so much? She knew I'd take it eventually. I decided to take a shower and get dressed. I had a few things to take care of. Once I finished getting ready I noticed that Selena had texted me again. I opened the text and saw it was a picture of Stella. Her smile was beautiful. She looked so much like Selena. I really missed her. I decided to give it a try. I sent Selena a text.

_Do you think I could see her? I miss her Sel._

_Are you sober?_

_Yes._

_Is your face messed up still?_

_A little._

_Not yet. I don't want Stella to see you like that. Let me know when it's healed._

_Ok. Fair enough. Thanks._

That's the most we've said to each other in months. It felt good. Granted it was very brief and almost impersonal but at least we were communicating. For the first time in long time I felt like I might be ok.


	5. Be The Song

**A/N: So this is a pretty happening chapter. We are headed towards some Demi and Selena interaction. It's going to get heavy really fast. Hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks for the reviews! The song is called "Be The Song" by Foy Vance. I own nothing but the idea.**

**10full360-2b-me: I think you're right about that. Selena was holding onto a piece of Demi. She wasn't prepared to lose it..**

**incase: Yes I am actually. Your English is just fine. Thank you for the kind words.**

**Demisbitch: Thank you so much. And yes sometimes you have to lose very thing before you realize what you had. I think Demi is realizing that.**

It had been almost a week since Selena had last texted me. I was so busy doing damage control, I was kind of glad I hadn't heard from her. I was a PR nightmare at this point. I agreed to give two interviews in an attempt to explain myself. Once I had finished dealing with the press the paparazzi were a whole different story. Remember when I said that photographers got pictures of my arrest? Yeah, the tabloids had a field day with those photos. I couldn't go anywhere now without paps following me. I felt like a Kardashian. I really hate this town sometimes. I had several meetings that I still needed to attend before my day would be finished.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally made it home. I was exhausted. I found myself thinking of you again. I usually did. I remember the way you used to play with my hair as I laid down in your lap after a long day. I miss you. The reality of my loneliness always sinks in the most at night. I decided it was way too quiet. I picked up my iPod and plugged it into my surround sound. I laid down in The middle of living room floor and just let the music wash over me. I closed my eyes and sang along.

After what seemed like hours I decided to go to bed. I got up and turned out all the lights. I grabbed my phone and headed into the bathroom to shower. I heard my phone go off while I was in The shower. I'm not gonna lie. I hoped it was you. Once I finished drying my hair and putting on my pjs, I checked my phone. Ask and you shall receive. I had a text from Selena.

_When would you like to see Stella?_

_As soon as possible. How is your schedule?_

_Will tomorrow work for you?_

_Yeah. What time?_

_6pm. Dinner?_

Oh shit. I wasn't really expecting to be around her as well. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I can't really say no though either. It sends the wrong message. Fuck.

_I'll be there._

_Good. It will be nice to see you Demi._

I had absolutely no idea what to say to that so in true idiot fashion, I said nothing. I'm amazed at how 9 years after we got married you still manage to make me completely stupid.

When I woke up I noticed that Miley had sent me a text.

_Starbucks?_

_Sounds good._

_Sweet. I'm headed up. Be there in 2._

What the hell? This girl is crazy. As promised she barged through my door 2 minutes later Starbucks in hand.

"I've got some shit to tell you!" She said excitedly.

"Well hi Miley. Good morning to you too." I deadpanned. This girl really was a trip sometimes.

"I overheard a very interesting conversation last night between your ex and Taylor." She exclaimed.

I frowned. "What is up with you and Taylor? She seems to be the topic of discussion lately with you."

"Let's just say this, sometimes we see each other naked and its fun!" She replied.

I nearly choked on my coffee.

"Wow." Was all I could manage to say.

So anyway, like I was sayin', I overheard the two of 'em talking. Guess who they were talking about?"

"I don't know Miles, I bet you're gonna tell me."

"You." She had a shit eating grin on her face.

She had my undivided attention at this point. "What did she say?" I'm pretty sure I sounded a lot like an over zealous teenage girl.

"Well, she came over to Taylor's house and when she got there she looked like she had been crying. Taylor took her into the den and they started talking about your piano. Sel said that she broke down because she isn't used to it being gone. She said she still isn't used to you being gone. The piano made her feel like she still had a part of you with her. You took it and now she feels like she's losing you all over again."

"I had no idea...it's just a piano...I mean...fuck."  
I was beyond confused. I didn't take it to hurt her. I just thought it was time that I started living in reality.

"Demi, if you ask me she misses you. I'm not sure she has gotten over the divorce. When was the last time she took a job? It's been awhile. Taylor says she's just not the same anymore. She hasn't been for a while. The only thing that keeps her going is Stella."

"Miley...I don't understand. She wanted this. Not me. She chose this."

"Did she?" She replied. She was serious as a heart attack.. "I don't remember her drinking until nothing else mattered."

I was stunned. After all this time I had never really considered how hard this must of have been for her. I was too consumed in my own hurt and self pity. For the first time since we got divorced I realized that she was suffering too. I felt sick. I felt guilty.

After Miley left I took a long hot shower. I needed to clear my head. Once I got dressed I checked myself in the mirror and left my apartment. As I pulled into the driveway of what was once my house, I couldn't help but feel panicked. I took a couple of deep breaths, grabbed the flowers and pickles and headed for the door.

I knocked twice. As soon as the door opened I smiled. She was a miniature version of you.

"Hey punkin!" I scooped her up in I'm my arms.

"Mama!" She squealed.

"I got something for you." I showed her the flowers. I swear I have never seen a more beautiful smile.

"Are the pickles for mommy?" She asked.

"You know it!" I answered with a sly grin. I sat her back down on the ground and she grabbed my hand.

"Come on! Follow me!" She was beaming as she drug me down the hall toward the kitchen. I couldn't help but laugh as we made our way down the hallway. Pictures of us lined the walls. I was surprised that you didn't take the ones with me down. I felt a tightness in my chest. As we entered the kitchen, I had never been so dumbstruck. You took my breath away you were so beautiful. Your hair was a little lighter than I remembered and it came down to about the middle of your back.

"Hey." You smiled. I could tell you were a little apprehensive.

"I brought you something." I gave her a wink and sat the jar on the counter. She smiled. I nearly died. I have missed that smile so much.

"Pickles mommy! Pickles!" Stella exclaimed loudly.

The rest of the night went by without a hitch. I spent most of my time with Stella. We colored,talked, and watched a movie. I helped her with her nighttime routine and before I knew it it was bedtime.

"You wanna tuck her in?" Selena asked.

"Yeah. If you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind. She's yours too you know. Let me say goodnight real quick, then she's all your yours." She squeezed my arm as she walked by.

Once she left the room I walked over and sat next to Stella on her bed.

"Can you sing me to sleep mama?"

"Absolutely sweetheart." I noticed one of my old guitars in the corner of the room. I picked it up then settled into the chair next to her bed. Her big brown eyes watched me the whole time. A smile formed on her lips as I started to play.

_When nightmares come  
Keep you awake  
Baby close your eyes  
I'll take the weight  
I wont speak  
I will refrain and be the song  
Just be the song_

_When inner scars  
Show on your face  
And darkness hides  
Your sense of place  
Well I won't speak  
I will refrain and be the song  
Just be the song_

_Flow down all my mountains  
Darlin' fill my valleys  
Flow down all my mountains  
Darlin' fill my valleys  
Flow down all my mountains  
Darlin' fill my valleys_

_And when you run  
Far from my eyes  
Then I will come  
In dead of night  
But I won't speak  
Till mornin' light  
I'll be the song  
Just be the song_

She was asleep before the final chorus. I quietly put the guitar back where I found it and gave her a kiss on her forehead. She was everything to me. I promised myself that I would never leave her side no matter what.


	6. When The Levee Breaks

I left Stella's bedroom and made my way back downstairs. I hadn't felt so happy in what seemed like forever. It felt good to be back in my house spending time with my family. The circumstances were a bit different than I would like, but I was still thankful. It had been a rough couple of years. As I walked past the music room, or what used to be the music room, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. The guitar racks were all empty and the piano was gone. It was kinda weird to see it so empty. The various awards and pictures were still sitting on the shelves and up on the walls, but it no longer held the warmth. I frowned and continued down the hallway so I could find Selena and tell her I was going.

"Sel." I called out.

"I'm In here." She answered.

I followed the sound of her voice into the den. She was sitting on a couch in front of the fireplace drinking some coffee.

"Hey." I said quietly. She gave me a small smile.

"I've never heard that song before." She said.

"Umm, yeah it's a new one I've been working on. I didn't know you were listening."

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to be a creeper, when I heard you singing I just couldn't leave. It was beautiful Demi." She said quietly.

"Thanks...umm...I guess I should get going. I don't wanna impose..." I scratched the back of my head nervously.

"Demi. Come sit." She cut me off before I could continue.

I sat on the opposite end of the couch and positioned myself so that I was facing her.

"Can we talk?" She had a very serious expression on her face.

"Of course." I had to swallow a lump in my throat.

"Why did you do it?" Her voice was flat and strained.

I got up and headed toward the front of the house.

"I'm not going to do this again with you Sel." I said as I walked away.

"Dammit Demi! Stop. Don't you walk away from me." She yelled.

"Sel, I never touched her. Never!" My back was still turned.

"I'm not asking about her. I'm asking about the two before her!" She was crying now. My face went white and I couldn't breathe.

"You think I didn't know? Of course I knew Demi. That's why I left you. Not because you didn't do a damn thing with that last girl, it was because of the doubt you caused from the other two. I was your wife. I always knew."

I was speechless. I couldn't move.

"Turn around. I deserve to have you look me in my eyes. Look me in my eyes and lie to me."

I turned to face her. Her cheeks were tear stained and she was shaking.

"Sel, why are you doing this? Please don't." I was practically begging.

"I gave you all of me Demi. Why couldn't you do the same for me. Why wasn't I enough?!" She was sobbing.

I honestly didn't want to answer her. I wanted to leave. I knew she wasn't going to let me. I honestly had no excuse. I cheated twice while we were married. I had no idea she knew about it. I promised her that I would never put her through that. Our breakup when we were 17 was one of the toughest points in my life. I swore i'd never put her through it again. Unfortunately she believed me. I was lonely and constantly on the road. I started drinking and then I started cheating. I hated myself. I've continued to drink because of it. I hated lying to her.

"I didn't know how to tell you Sel. I knew that I would lose you forever and I couldn't take it. I hate myself for what I did."

And then it started. The sharp pain from her hand smacking into my face wasn't as shocking as her fists beating down on my chest. She was sobbing, screaming, and down right losing her mind. I pulled her into me crushing her against my chest, stopping the onslaught. She resisted before finally giving in. Her sobbing shaking her entire body. I felt her weight give out and I lowered her to the floor. She was clinging to me for dear life. I feel my throat constrict, this is my fault after all. I should feel guilty. After what feels like an eternity she separates herself from me.

"This was a mistake." She sniffles

I reached out and cupped her face in my hands. I made sure we were both making eye contact.

"Look at me Sel. I fucked up. I never deserved you. I am so sorry for hurting you. You are better than me. You always have been and always will be." I could feel the tears streaming down my face.

"My heart still hurts for you Demi...all the time." She choked out. "I don't know how to make it stop." She moved away from me and wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm still so desperately in love with you..." She whispered.

My heart nearly stopped beating. I knew that this moment would define me for the rest of my life. I also knew that I couldn't take advantage of her right now.

"Selena, I've never stopped loving you baby. I want you to know that. I don't know what to think or what I should right now. I just know that whatever I do will be wrong. I don't want to lose you. You're the best part of me Sel. Without you I'm nothing."

"I miss you so fucking much. I want to forgive you but I just don't know if I can." She took a deep breath.

"Have...you...been with anyon..." She fumbled.

"No." I cut her off immediately. "Not a single person." I looked her dead in the eyes. "I want you."

"Demi, I don't know what to do..." She whispered.

I did the only thing I could think of. I slid over to her and pulled her into my lap and just held her while she cried.


	7. Stay

**A/N: So I know you guys keep asking for longer chapters, just bear with me. I write in spurts. This chapter was originally very different and much longer, however due to technical difficulties it was deleted. Anyway, I hope you like it. I will make my best effort to write longer chapters. It's just a pain in the ass on my phone. I'm considering a point of view shift soon to Selena. Let know what you guys think. If you prefer Demi's pov I will keep it that way. Enjoy.**

We stayed that way for what seemed like hours. We didn't say anything she just cried and I held her. Eventually I felt her body relax and her breathing even out. I cradled her in my arms and carried her upstairs to what used to be our bedroom. I almost gasped when I walked through the door. It was exactly the same as it had been the last time I stayed here. That was over two years ago. My leather jacket was still hanging on the bedpost. My book was still sitting on my nightstand with my Chapstick shoved in it marking the page. There was a pile of money that I had taken out of my pants pocket scattered across the surface as well. As I looked around I noticed everything was still there. A guitar I had been searching for, for a very long time leaned aginst the wall closest to my nightstand. She didn't pack any of it up. It was as if I never left.

I carry her over to the bed and gently placed her on its soft surface. I pulled the covers up over her and before I pulled away, I felt her soft touch on my forearm.

"Stay." She whispered.

"Sel...I don't..."

"Demi, I want you to stay." She interrupted.

I've never been able to tell her no, so against my better judgment, I kicked off my boots and climbed in bed with her. She pulled my arm over her body and pressed herself against me. I felt her sigh as she intertwined our fingers and brought them to her lips. I felt her place soft kisses on my knuckles. I could barely breath. I nuzzled my face into her neck. Her hair smelled so fucking good. I almost forgot how much I missed this.

Once I was sure she was in a deep sleep, I carefully removed my arm from underneath her and slipped out of bed. I paced around the room trying to calm my nerves. I was so confused. She went from trying to kill me to snuggling in a matter of five minutes. It was crazy. Selena was always so poised and collected. This was reckless. I was dangerous for her and she knew better. I'm like a drug to her. Drugs cause you to make bad descisions. I have slowly been coming to terms with the fact that I may not be what's best for her. I could handle not being with her, I've been dealing with it for a while now, I just don't know if I can be without her in my life. She was my light.

I walked over to closet and looked inside. Every single article of my clothing was still there. I noticed a few empty hangars in the t-shirt section. I found it odd, since I didn't take any of my clothes with me. I literally left everything but my guitars. None of this made sense to me. My eyes began to feel heavy. I made my way back over to the bed and climbed under the covers. I felt her move closer to me so I pulled into her my arms and rested my chin on the top of her head.

As I laid in our bed, I wondered what was going to happen next. I knew that we were on a slippery slope. I didn't want her to wake up and regret this. To be honest I won't be surprised if that's what happens. I broke her heart. I was careless and it destroyed her. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself that I never stopped to think what this was doing to her. She gave me the best of her. She gave me her heart and I crushed it. I was so angry with myself. She should hate me. I want her to hate me. The fact that she is still in love with me is something that I will never be worthy of. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be laying here with her. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the chance to be around her, I just know that what we are doing isn't right. She's hurting and I'm taking advantage of her. I feel terrible. I feel my eyelids beginning to get heavy. The last thing I remember thinking before drifting off to sleep is I hope she knows that I still love her...so much.

I woke right before the sun started to peek over the horizon. I carefully untangled myself from Selena, and grabbed my phone. Shit. I needed to go. I didn't want to be here when Stella woke up. It would be way to confusing for her and right now I know that we are not equipped to deal with it. I'm not even sure what exactly "it" is. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that Selena's motives and actions are a complete mystery to me.

I pulled on my boots and headed toward the bedroom door. I turned around and looked at her sleeping form. I didn't know if I would get the chance to see her like this again. I closed my eyes and committed the picture to memory before I left the house that we once shared. I climbed in my truck and pulled away. While I was waiting for the security gate to open, I sent her a text.

_Hey. I left so Stella wouldn't see me there. I don't want her to be confused. Text me._

As I pulled out the gate I noticed several parked cars across the street. Sometimes I fucking hate being famous. I made a fist and raised the only finger that mattered as the flashbulbs went off. Fucking pricks.

I was a mess when I got home. My mind was racing. After about ten minutes of staring blankly at my living room wall, I decided to go for a run. I needed the fresh air. As I ran I could stop thinking about her. I remember the way she used to hold my hand. The way she would sigh when I kissed her just right. The way she used to wake me up at night just to say I love you. Why was I so stupid? Why did I throw it all away for a meaningless sexual encounter or two. Why? She was everything that was good about me. She was my one chance to have something special. I ruined it. I started to run faster. I wanted to feel the burn. I wanted to feel pain. I ran until I couldn't breathe. As I stood there panting, my hands on my knees, sweat dripping down my brow, I realized that I would never be able to right the wrongs of my past. Once I caught my breath, I turned around and began the slow jog back to my empty apartment.

I immediately checked my phone upon my return and sure enough I had a new text from Selena.

_Do you want to take Stella for the weekend?_

_Yeah. That would be great. I need to fix up the guest room. I got plenty of time though._

_Ok. I'll tell her you said yes._

_Sel, are you ok?_

_Yes. I know last night was hard for you. _

And just like that she knew what I was feeling. She knew I was struggling with everything that was happening just as much as she is. I was consumed with guilt. I wish I knew what she was thinking. I wish I knew what she was feeling. Everything was so confusing right now. I decided to take a shower and make some brunch. Once I finished eating I went into my spare room and packed up all the junk that was lying around. I had one week to make this room acceptable. Once I got the room cleaned out, I decided to spend the rest of the day lost in music.

I woke up that evening to the sound of my phone ringing. I grabbed it and answered without checking who it was.

"Hello." My voice was raspy from sleep.

"Demi? I immediately recognized Selena's voice.

"Yeah. Sorry I sound so shitty I fell asleep on the couch. What's up?" I asked.

"I...can't do this..." She choked out as she held back a sob.

"I know baby. It's ok." I whispered.

"I'm so lost Demi. I just don't know..." She was crying.

"I'm sorry." She whispered before hanging up the phone.

It took me a minute to process what had just happened. I knew that being that close to her last night was going to fuck her up. I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long time I prayed. I prayed she would find the strength to forgive me or the strength to walk away for good. Lord knows I can't.


	8. Something Like Me

**A/N: The song is called "Something Like Me" by Staind. I own nothing but the idea for the story. I hope you all enjoy. Reviews are nice. :)**

I spent the next few weeks looking for a house. I needed more space and I was hoping to find something with a recording studio. I wanted to start working on an album. The reason I was so adamant about the studio being in the home was simple. Selena agreed to amend the custody agreement. She was giving me joint physical custody. I wanted to be home with Stella as much as possible during the recording process. With the studio being at home, she could be here with me while I worked and not feel out of place. Once I found the perfect one, I bought it and made it our new home. Stella loved it. Selena even came over and cooked me dinner one night. She told me that the kitchen deserved to be properly broken in. My habit of ordering take out wasn't going to cut it. I just laughed and called her crazy.

We began to fall into a routine. Every Friday we would have dinner together. We also made it a point to avoid talking about anything that was remotely related to what happened that night at her house. This Friday her parents planned on attending our weekly dinner. I found myself actually looking forward to it. We had already spent Thanksgiving together, and while it was awkward at first, both of our families eventually fell into our old easy pattern with eachother. It was nice.

I sat at the control panel of my studio listening to a couple of the tracks I just finished. They were rough cuts, but I was quite happy with how they turned out. I had two weeks to make the album deadline. The album was set to release in February. I would be leaving Christmas to start rehearsals for the tour. The tour kicks off in January and I finish in April. I was excited and nervous. The road was always a questionable place for me. I decided to do this tour to prove to myself that I could handle it.

I heard my front door open and the sound of little feet running on the floor. I could also hear the unmistakable clicking of heels.

"Demi?" I heard Selena call out.

"I'm back here Sel!" I yelled back.

Stella ran into the studio and jumped into my lap. Selena smiled as she leaned on the doorframe.

"Mama!" She squealed.

"Hey baby! How have you been."

"Good. I missed you a whole bunch." Her little voice answered

I hugged her and sighed. "Me too squirt."

"Can I watch cartoons?" She asked with a huge beaming smile.

"Yeah. Go ahead." And with that she ran off toward the tv room.

"How have you been?" Selena asked

"Good. Just busy working on music and getting the tour organized." I said

I gestured toward a chair. "You wanna sit?"

"Yeah." She said almost blushing.

"You ok?" I asked grinning

"Yeah. It's just been awhile since I've seen you like this." She said

"Like what?" I asked

"Settled. Healthy. Sober..." She trailed off

"Well I figure I can't blame the world forever you know?" I said. "Besides, I have to take care of our daughter. I don't want her to grow up and have to deal with me in and out of rehab, or even worse dead. I don't want that for her. I'm supposed to be an example. You and I might not have been able to make it, but she and I will. She will be a part of me forever."

"Do you think we will be a part of each other forever?" She asked sadly.

"Of course Sel. We have a daughter together..."

"No, I mean seperate from that." She interrupted.

I sat for a moment and considered what she was asking me. As I studied her face, she looked sad. I'm not an idiot. I know why what I said upset her, but it was the truth. We didn't make it. We weren't meant to be. I'm not sure if we would share much besides Stella moving forward. To be honest this is the first time we have talked about anything relating to us in a while. I'm pretty sure there really wasn't an us anymore. There was Demi, then there was Selena. In between we had Stella, without Stella, Selena and I wouldn't have anything to share.

"Selena, I'm not sure what you want me to say to that. I..."

"It's ok."

"Would you stop interrupting me?" I sounded slightly more annoyed than I intended. She cocked her slightly and pursed her lips. She gestured for me to continue.

"I still love you Sel. There's just no where for that love to go. I can't keep hurting you by intruding where I don't belong. Do you understand that? It's hard for me to be around you sometimes. I don't constantly text and call you, even though I want to and beg for another chance. I really just can't put you through that. It's not fair. I've done enough damage. Instead I've been trying to let you go. I'm taking baby steps, but I'm getting there...I think...hopefully."

"What if I don't want you to?" She asked quietly.

"Want me to what?" I was genuinely confused.

"Let go." She stated while looking directly into my eyes.

Thank goodness children have perfect timing. Stella ran back into the room and insisted that I join her on the couch and watch spongebob. I had no objections. Selena left shortly afterwards. I was thankful that we didn't get to finish that conversation. I don't really think it was a subject that we could or even should be talking about. Is getting back together even an option for us? I'm not sure it is.

Selena wanted me to spend Christmas Eve at her house that way Stella could see me before I left. Earlier in the day I had my piano delivered to her house as a part of my Christmas gift. I hope I wasn't being to presumptuous, but I had a plan. One that involved finding a way back into Selena's heart. Once dinner was done everyone moved into the den to start opening presents. Both of our families were once again together. Since I was spending Christmas on a plane to New York, everyone wanted to open presents tonight. I saved one of my gifts for last.

"Listen up everyone!" I said over all the loud voices and laughter. "Follow me to the music room." I smiled.

I walked into the room and sat down at my piano as our families piled in. I watched Selena's face as she realized what piano I was sitting at. She teared up.

"So I know you're wondering what we are doing here. I wrote a song for Stella and I wan to give it to her before I go. Stella, this ones for you baby." She grinned and sat next to me at the piano bench. I pressed down on the ivory bars and began to sing.

_Shards and broken pieces  
Shattered on the floor  
Not big enough to bleed  
Tears and angry voices  
Cracks around the door  
No apologies_

_Every time you say you love me  
I still have to stop and catch my breath  
How can somebody love something like me?  
If you could only say you're sorry  
There's nothing in this world I can't forgive  
Waiting here for you to set me free_

_Toys and colored pencils  
Scattered on the floor  
Underneath my feet  
You're always crying over nothing  
Always wanting more  
You never go to sleep_

_Every time you say you love me  
I still have to stop and catch my breath  
How_ _can somebody love something like me?  
Every time I feel I'm falling  
You'll be there to save me from myself  
Little angel watching over me_

_My taxi's in the driveway  
My bags are at the door  
And it still kills me to leave_

_But every time you say you love me  
I just have to stop and catch my breath  
How can somebody love something like me  
And every time I feel I'm falling  
You're the one's who saved me from myself  
You give me something to believe_

_And with you here  
These cracks and tears  
Fade away_

When I finished there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Stella was beaming and my heart felt full. Once the room cleared out Selena walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me into a hug.

"That was beautiful." She whispered.

"Do you like your part of the present?" I asked as we parted and she walked toward the piano. I watched as she ran her fingertips across its smooth surface. She simply nodded as she sat on the bench staring down at my piano. For the first time in a long time, I saw hope in her eyes.


	9. Feel It In Your Heart

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I appreciate it.**

If there's one thing I've learned in my 30 years on this planet, it's simple, you cannot run away from love. It will catch you. Every time. You will be exhausted, unable to breathe, and panicked, but it will still catch you and expect you to nurture it. I've been running from it since I was 7 years old. It's always been Selena, I've just been too much of an idiot to give in to it. I self sabotage. I've done it twice already, in the form of cheating. I did it when we were teenagers and I did as a grown ass adult. Both times I lost her. When we were teenagers, she eventually came back to me. Not before I hit rock bottom of course and became another one of those "troubled child stars" or whatever. I still somehow managed to get her back. It wasn't easy, not by a long shot, but eventually she agreed to marry me. I asked her on my 21st birthday. It was the best birthday ever. As I lay in my bunk on the bus I find myself missing her warmth. She is so much a part of me. I'm empty without her. I decide to send her a text. We have been talking pretty regularly lately. I've got another week to go before I get a weekend to fly home and see Stella. I've been going every two weeks. Each time I visit Selena opens up to me more.

_You and Stella should come to a show._

_Maybe. Which one?_

_Whatever one you want. I want to see you guys._

_Both of us?_

_Yes. Both of you._

_Are you going to make it worth my while? ;)_

Oh. Dear. God. Selena just started flirting me.

_It depends on what you're willing to do for those backstage passes..._

What she did next will always be baffling to me, but it seriously made my night. She sent me a picture of herself that showed of her cleavage, and the expression on her face, well lets just say its not appropriate for the Disney channel. Like at all. I believe the term the internet uses to describe this particular expression falls somewhere in the category of "eye fucking". This picture was captioned _See you_ i_n Denver_. I'd be in Denver in three days. Couldn't fucking wait.

I was asleep when we arrived at the venue. My manager woke me and said that Selena called and would be here within the hour. I climbed out of my bunk and took a shower. Once I was ready I headed inside. I still needed to do soundcheck as well as a meet and greet. I decided to combine the two. I informed my security and tour manager that way they could accommodate and inform the fans. Selena and Stella arrived in time for soundcheck. Stella ran all over the stage and danced with anyone she could find. She was a free spirited little girl. My fans found her to be completely adorable. They were also super excited about Selena being there. Once I completed soundcheck, I took some time to take pictures, sign autographs, and chill with the fans. They were a very cool group of people. It's days like this that remind why I do what I do. Once I was finished I had a couple hours before it was time for me to hit the stage.

"Hey. Are you done being busy rock star?" Selena winked.

"I guess for you I can take a quick break." I said with a smile.

"Mama! Look at me!" I heard Stella yelling

I looked over in her direction and immediately started cracking up. She was wearing Selena's aviator sunglasses and had one of my electric guitars slung over her shoulder making devil horns with her fingers.

"Oh my god!" Selena said, laughing as she pulled out her phone to snap a picture.

I ran over to the girl and swooped her up into the air. I probably should have thought that idea through more considering the fact that I almost impaled my eye with the guitar. Luckily my ninja reflexes saved the day. I chased Stella around the venue as she screamed and laughed. It was a blast. Selena joined in between taking pictures and recording video.

After the show Selena and I walked around with Stella. Once I noticed that she was sleepy I suggested we take her to the bus so she could lay down. Selena agreed. We had a couple more hours to hang out since it would take the stage crew a little while to get everything packed up. Once I tucked Stella into a bunk, Selena and I sat on the couches in the front of the bus.

"You were amazing tonight. I enjoyed hearing you play the older stuff. It's been a long time since I've heard you perform Don't Forget. You almost looked 16 again." She said with a small smile.

"Thanks." I smiled back.

"So...the album is doing well." She was trying to make small talk.

I couldn't help but laugh loudly. "Sel, I know you didn't fly out to Denver to talk about the album. What did you come here for?" I smirked, my tone low and teasing.

She leaned froward and whispered. "You didn't give me a goodbye kiss."

I leaned closer to her so our lips were almost touching. "You didn't ask." I stated as I got up and walked over to the fridge. I grabbed a bottle of water and when I turned around to face her she was smiling like an idiot.

"You're such a jerk." She laughed.

"So I've been told."

"Demi, can I ask you something?"

"Of course." I said as I sat down next to her.

"Why did you sign the papers? I never thought you would sign them. I thought that you would freak out and fight like hell to stop what was happening."

"I signed them because after you called me that night and asked me to sign them, I knew that it would be the right thing to do. I lied to you. I was unfaithful. The guilt was killing me. I truly thought its what you wanted." I said as I made eye contact.

"What if it wasn't?" She asked.

"Selena." I said taking both her hands in mine. "What do you want?"

She sat there for a few moments studying my face. Her brow furrowed and she let out a deep breath. I knew that she was searching for the right words to say. Before she could say anything, we heard a small voice from the bunks.

"Mommy, I'm thirsty."

I let go of Selena's hands as she got up. "Ok baby, I'm coming." She walked to the fridge and grabbed some water then went to the bunk to take care of Stella. I heard a light knock on the bus door. I went over to the door and opened it.

"Hey Demi, it's time to get going. Selena's car is ready and waiting. We will take off as soon as you're ready." My manager told me.

"Ok. Thanks. Give me a couple minutes." She nodded before walking away to make sure everything was ready.

"Sel, it's time to go." I said, my tone slightly disappointed.

Once she got Stella bundled up, I carried her out to the waiting SUV. I put her in the vehicle and said my goodbyes before closing the door. I hugged Selena and kissed her forehead.

"We will continue this conversation when I get back to LA. I promise."

"I'm gonna miss you Demi. So much." She said as she struggled to hold back tears.

I hugged her again and assured her she would be just fine. She climbed into the SUV and I watched until the taillights disappeared. I climbed back onto my bus and we left Denver for our next destination. I couldn't wait for this tour to be over.


	10. Love Remains The Same

**A/N: This is a short but sweet chapter. The song I use is called "Without You" by Otan Vargas. As always I own nothing but the idea of the story. Thank you all for the reviews. And yes, that child had horrible timing! Lol.**

I dropped my bags on the floor and let out a loud sigh. I was finally home. The tour was amazing, but I was ready to be home. The last few weeks of the tour were a little frustrating for me. I was exhausted and Selena started production on a new movie. She was on location somewhere in Montana. It was annoying. I wouldn't even be able to see her anytime soon. We stopped talking as frequently as we had been unless it involved Stella. Even then the conversations were brief. I was hoping our relationship would have progressed further. Needless to say I was bummed.

As I lay in bed I couldn't sleep. It was absolutely crazy. I was way too tired to be awake still. Frustrated I got out of bed and I headed into my studio. I didn't have my piano anymore, so I picked up my guitar and started plucking the strings. I felt sad. I lost myself in the sound of the guitar. As I played I began to hum a melody. Before long I found words and I began to sing softly.

_Without you I'm not here_

_Without you I can't see myself_

_Without you I can't feel  
Without you my life would still be the same_

I once was lost in this empty world  
But now I found myself in you  
I continue to fight and continue to lose  
But I still believe in you

Without you I'm not here  
Without you I can't see myself  
Without you I can't feel  
Without you my life would still be the same

So I want to say this to you before you go  
Cause I don't know if I will have another chance to say

Without you I'm not here  
Without you I can't see myself  
Without you I can't feel  
Without you my life would still be the same

I continued strumming the guitar after I finished singing.

"That was beautiful." I heard a voice say. I nearly jumped through the ceiling as I sprang up to face the intruder.

"Jesus fucking Christ Sel! You just scared the shit out of me! What are you doing creeping around my house!?" I exclaimed when I saw her standing in the doorway.

"I wanted to see you." She said softly as she moved toward me. "Was...is that song...about me?" She asked tentatively.

I nodded my head yes. I was still in a state of shock and terror. What was she doing here?

"I thought you were working." I said once my nerves calmed enough for me to speak.

"I am. I have to be back tonight. I couldn't stay away. I needed to see you Demi. I need to know what exactly it is we are doing. I can't keep doing whatever this is." She said waving her arms around. She seemed frustrated.

"Remember the conversation we were having on my tour bus a couple months back?" I asked her. She nodded. "I asked you what you wanted?" She nodded again. "You never answered, so I'm going to ask you again. What do you want Sel?"

I reached my hand out and cupped her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into my hand as she covered it with her own. I brushed my thumb across her lips as I pulled her closer to me. "I want you." I barely heard her whisper.

"Say it again Sel, louder."

She looked me dead in the eye. "I want you."

That was all I needed to hear. I had her permission. I leaned forward and brushed our lips together. I felt her arms wrap around my neck as she pushed her body up against me. I tangled my hands in her hair as I pressed my lips against hers. I heard her let out a low moan as I deepened the kiss. It took all the willpower I had to break the kiss.

"Selena." I panted, out of breath. "I love you."

"I know." She said as she kissed me again. I felt her legs wrap around my waist as I lifted her off the ground. Somehow I managed to get us upstairs to my bedroom. I laid her on the bed and as she slid up toward the headboard, she pulled me with her.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked.

"Yes, baby. I'm sure." She leaned towards me and kissed my lips. "You're it for me." She said softly. I nipped her neck and she let out a soft moan. "I've missed you so much." She breathed.

The rest of the morning was spent making up for lost time. Not an inch of her body was left untouched. She came to life underneath my fingertips. The soft moans, whispered promises of forever, and urgent kisses were all the encouragement I needed. She was mine and I was hers.

I woke up several hours later. Selena was nestled against me. I wanted to stay with her in this moment forever. I knew it wasn't possible, but I could dream right? I decided to do the responsible thing and wake her. She had a flight to catch soon and I didn't want her to miss it.

"Sel. Baby. I need you to wake up." I said softly while ribbing her back. I watched as she slowly started I wake up. She opened her eyes and as soon as they met mine, she smiled. She leaned toward me and I met her halfway for a sweet kiss.

"Can't I just stay?" She asked, her voice raspy from sleep.

"I'd love for you to stay, but you have to get back to set." I smiled.

"I just got you back Dem. I don't wanna go..." She said sadly.

"I love you Selena." I said kissing her softly.

"I love you too."

"Let's get you ready." I said as I climbed out of bed.

While she was taking a shower, I took a minute to process what was happening. Selena and I are back together. I had no idea what was going to happen moving forward. The one thing I knew for sure, I would never stray from her again. Time would tell if she truly trusted me or not. Once she finished showering, she pulled on her jeans and put on the t-shirt I was wearing earlier.

"It smells like you." She said with a shy smile.

"Come on. I'll drive you to the airport." I held out my and she took it as we walked out of my house and to my truck. The drive to the airport was uneventful. She sang along to the radio and held my hand the entire way there. Once we arrived I pulled up to the passenger unloading zone at the terminal.

"Call me when you land."

"I will."

"I'm gonna miss you Sel."

"Can't you just come with me?" She asked hopefully.

I considered her request for a few moments before answering.

"Give me a couple days. I'll fly out and stay with you until you finish filming. There's a few things I need to take care of first."

"Are you serious!?" She looked like she was going to burst with happiness. She grabbed me and hugged me tightly.

Once we finished saying our goodbyes, she watched as I drove off. I was so thankful to have her back in my life. For the first time since I signed those divorce papers, my heart felt whole again. There was only one thing left for me to do. I had to somehow convince her to marry me. Again.


	11. Dear Cocaine

**A/N: Well, this chapter is a doozy. I apologize in advance. I was in a very unforgiving mood when I wrote it. We shall see what happens from here. As always thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate you and those of you that leave reviews as well. :)**

As an addict I will struggle everyday of my life to stay clean. Today is one of those days. Bad news is something that will always test my resolve. As I stare at the phone that delivered that news, I could feel my self control cracking. As I waited for my brain to process what I was just told, I closed my eyes and counted to ten.

I grabbed my phone and tried calling Selena. She wasn't answering. Fuck. I needed her to answer. I began to pace around in my kitchen. Why didn't I feel anything? I should be feeling something right now. Without thinking I grabbed my car keys and left the house. I was suffocating. I needed air.

I drove around endlessly for what seemed like hours until I found myself standing on a beach staring out into the ocean. I watched as the sun dipped below the horizon and disappeared. I could feel the darkness calling me. I continued to stand on the waters edge. The subtle violence of the water colliding with the earth, my only company. I felt my skin crawling. I wanted to tear it off. It was inevitable. I knew what I was going to do. I hate myself so much right now.

I climbed back into my truck and a luck would have it, Selena was calling me. I pressed the ignore button and drove somewhere I knew I shouldn't be. I walked into the club and it didn't take me longer than five minutes to find what I was looking for. Once I had it, I left and headed home. I stopped at a gas station and decided to grab a bottle of vodka. I didn't even wait until I got home. I opened the bottle an felt the burn of the clear liquid as it slid down my throat. It settled into my stomach making me feel sick. Old habits die hard I guess. I finished the bottle before I got home. I was completely wasted. Selena continued to call me and I continued to not answer. I didn't want to talk to her right now. She couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. Once I got into my house, I reached in my pocket and pulled out a small baggie containing a substance that I had not used in quite some time.

Once I had the white powder seperated into several lines, I took out a hundred dollar bill, rolled it up tightly and then proceeded to snort every single line I had cut. It hit me like a kick to the face. I was completely gone. As my eyes rolled into the back of my head I couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen now. I would always be this person. Why did she have to die? Why wasn't it me? My mom deserved better. She deserved to have a daughter she could be proud of. Not me. She's always going to wish it was me, not Dallas. I'd give anything to take her place. My sister didn't deserve to die.

I don't know how much time passed for sure, I just knew it was daylight when I woke up. I could hear banging and loud voices at my front door.

"Open the fucking door Demi! I know you're in there! Open the fucking door!" Whoever this person was they didn't sound happy. I stumbled over to the door and against my better judgment I opened it. The sunlight nearly knocked me on my ass it was so bright.

Two people pushed past me and one of them I recognized as Miley. It took me a minute to focus, but I was able to recognize the other person as well. It was Taylor. She looked pissed. Miley walked up to me and grabbed my face with her hand pulling it in close. She had my cheeks pinched between her thumb and pointer finger. "Are you drunk?" She asked scowling. The longer she looked at me the more pissed she became. "You're fucking high right now aren't you?" She accused.

I couldn't help it. I just started laughing hysterically. I watched as Taylor walked into the living room. The look on her face when she returned told me all I needed to know. She whispered something in Miley's ear and they both left the room. I used this opportunity to locate my keys. I was unable to locate them before they both returned.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing? Selena has been tryin reach you. She asked us to come here and check on you when she found out what happened to your sister." Miley shouted at me.

"I'm coping." I huffed back. I'll never forget what happened next. Taylor walked up to me and slapped me across the face.

"How dare you! Do you have any idea what the hell you have put Selena through? Do you have any idea how many nights she spent crying? How many days she couldn't even get out of bed? Do you have any idea Demi? If you did, I guarantee you wouldn't be putting that shit up your nose. Who the fuck do you think you are?! What is any of this going to accomplish for you?" She was screaming at me. "You're fucking drunk and high. She deserves better."

"Who? You? Cause that ain't gonna fuckin happen." I yelled back. Miley must have realized that this conversation wasn't going to go anywhere because she stepped in between us.

"Both of you stop." She said firmly. "Demi, you need to call Selena. You need to stop this. Let her help you."

"Fuck this! Don't tell me what to do!" I shoved Miley out of the way and as I walked past her, I saw my truck keys on the counter. I grabbed the keys as I walked by.

"Shit Tay, she's gonna leave." I heard Miley tell Taylor. "We gotta stop her!"

I never gave them the chance. By the time they made it into my driveway I was already backing out. I peeled out and headed straight to a liquor store. I bought another bottle of absolut and drank it all. I can't say for sure what happened next. I remember the sharp pain as I felt my body jerking to the side. I remember the scream of twisting metal. I remember feeling the glass as it shattered across my face. As I laid there I could feel the cold hard asphalt. There was a metallic, sticky taste in my mouth. It didn't take long before I was surrounded by urgent voices. As I laid there bathed in the red and blue lights, I wondered if this was it. I felt like maybe I was going to die. That's the last thing I remembered before I was swept away in blackness.

I woke up in an unfamiliar place. My entire body hurt. As I opened my eyes, I realized I was in a hospital. The sterile white walls coupled with the steady beeping of monitoring equipment confirmed for me that I was still alive. I scanned the room and that's when I saw her sitting there. Her eyes were red and puffy. I could tell she had been crying. I shifted slightly and she immediately made eye contact with me. She looked devastated. There was something else in her eyes that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was the look of someone who lost something. Something that they could never replace. She moved closer to the bed.

"Demi?" She said softly. The way he said it almost sounded like a question.

"Hey." I croaked. My throat felt dry and scratchy.

"We need to talk."

"I know."

I watched as her face dropped. For a brief moment she looked like she might start crying again. She quickly regained her composure and let out a deep sigh.

"I'm not doing this anymore." She stated.

"I know."

"No I don't think you do. I'm done. Do you have any idea what you have done to me? To your Mother?"

"I'm sorry I..."

"You're sorry?! Really? I'll tell you what you are Demi. Selfish." She snapped. "Your mom already has to bury Dallas. Would you like her to bury you as well? Did it ever occur to you how everyone else would be affected?"

"Selena. I made a mistake. I can't take it back. I wish I could. I don't know what happened, I just lost it. I can't deal with this kind of shit."

"Neither can I." She sad sadly as tears began to fall. "I can't do this anymore." She whispered. "I can't watch you do this to yourself. You have broken every promise you have ever made to me. I let you wreck me Demi. You have literally destroyed me emotionally. I can't do this." She covered her face with her hands and started crying harder.

"Sel..."

"Don't." She interrupted. "Do you have any idea what this does to me? It kills me Demi. I don't know if I'm ever going to heal the damage you have done. I can't even properly grieve for Dallas right now. You have managed to take everything from me. I have literally given you everything. You couldn't just stop. That's all I wanted Demi. I wanted you to stop. I wanted you to stop and think about me for once. I wanted you to wonder what this would do to me. Are you happy now? Do you see me? My heart is broken."

I didn't say anything. There was nothing I could say. Now I understood by she looked so devastated. This was it. I made my choice and it wasn't her.

"This is the hardest thing I will ever do." She sobbed. "I'm walking away Demi. You don't love me they way you should..." Her voice cracked before she finished. It didn't matter anyway. I was devastated. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her pain away. She was right though. I didn't love her the way that I should. She was willing to give up everything for me. I couldn't even give up drugs and alcohol.

"Selena...please." I whispered as the tears slid down my cheeks.

"Don't..." Her voice was strangled. Before I could say anything else she turned and walked out the door. I didn't know it at the time, but that would be the last time I saw her before things went from bad to worse.


	12. And All Things Will End

**A/N: This is the last chapter that will be in Demi's point of view for a while. It's time to give Selena a voice. Sorry for this dreadful update. It was inevitable. I appreciate everyone's reviews and thank you for reading it. We've still got a ways to go!**

It wasn't real to me. As I watched Dallas's casket being lowered into the cold earth, I couldn't help but wish it was me instead. I'll never understand why she had to die. It was unfair. The service had ended a while ago. I couldn't bring myself to leave her. Not yet. I wanted to be as close to her as I could for as long as I could. I continued watching as the gravediggers covered what remained of her in brown earth.

I watched as my mother walked toward me. She didn't say anything as she wrapped me in her warm embrace. She held me as we both cried. "I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry." I croaked.

"Shhh. It's ok." She soothed. "Let's go home."

As I sat at my moms house, I felt numb. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. Selena was in the den talking with my mom. Dallas's death was hard for her. They had always been close. I'm sure I didn't do anything to help with my relapse and accident. She was extremely stressed and it showed.

"Mama?"

"Hey baby. Come here." I smiled as I scooped Stella up into my lap.

"I miss aunt Dallas." She cried.

"I know sweetheart. Me too."

"Is that why mommy is so sad?"

"Yeah." I whispered.

"When are you coming home?"

I had no idea how to answer that. How do you explain to an 8 year old, you won't ever be coming home? How do you explain that you broke her mothers heart, and you you probably won't ever be able to fix it.

"Sweetheart, you know that mommy and I don't live together anymore."

"But I thought you both loved each other again." She stated innocently.

"Your mother and I love each other very much. I know it's hard for you to understand right now. Someday when you are older, you will."

"Mama?"

"Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you too punkin." I answered as I placed a kiss on the top of her head and held her tightly. We stayed like that for quite some time. My mom came into the room to tell Stella it was time for her to go. She hugged me goodbye and left with Selena. Selena didn't say a word to me.

Once everyone had cleared out of the house my mom told me that she needed to speak with me. I knew she wanted me to enter treatment. I honestly didn't know if I could or if I even wanted to. I'm always going to be like this.

"Demi, you need help." She didn't skirt around the issue at hand. Straight to the point. "I should have done more for you when you were younger. I should have stopped all of this before it got so out of hand. I knew better. I knew what was happening. This is my fault."

"Mom. No. This is not your fault. It's mine. You tried. You did the best you could."

"I should have done more."

"I'm not going to argue with you about this mom."

"You know I love you right?"

"Of course I know that. You're my mom."

"I want you to listen to me. I don't want you to say anything until I'm finished. Can you do that? I nod my head, and she continues. "I want you to go to rehab. I want you to stay until you are actually ready to leave. By ready to leave, I mean able to cope with life in a healthy way. I want you to stop all of this bullshit. I cannot bury another one of my children."

"Rehab? A lot of fucking good that did me mom. We tried it. Look at me now. I'm the same if not worse!"

"You have two choices Demi. Get in the car that's waiting outside, go to treatment and get better, or leave this house and don't come back. I am exhausted. I cannot do this anymore." She looked completely devastated as she said it.

"That seems to be a popular fucking sentiment with you people. Do what I want you to or don't come back. That's real fucking fair. Have any of you thought about what I want or need? No. Probably not. Fuck this. Fuck you." I snapped back. I grabbed my jacket and left the house. I saw the car that was waiting to take me to a treatment facility, I walked past it and headed down the street. I kept walking until I found myself standing in front of a bar. I walked in and an hour later I felt nothing.

I can't say for sure how I ended up at Selena's house. I stumbled to the front door and started pounding it. When the door opened, Selena stepped outside and closed it behind her.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" She said annoyed. "You're going to wake up Stella." As she stood there looking at me, I could pinpoint the exact moment she figured out I was drunk. The flash of hurt and anger in her eyes was obvious.

"Leave. Now." Her voice was firm and low.

"Selena, I love you." I slurred. As I looked at her she looked completely uncomfortable.

"No you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be doing this."

"Come on Sel, lets go inside and work this out." I attempted to get closer to her. She placed her hand on my chest and pushed me back.

"You are not coming inside my house. Demi, leave. I don't want you here."

"Your house? I'm pretty sure I bought the fucking thing!" I yelled. She looked completely helpless at this point. I know she wanted to cry, but she wouldn't. I watched as she turned around and opened the door. I don't know why I did it but I did, I stopped her from shutting the door and pushed into the house. She tried to stop me.

"Demi! Stop!" She sounded scared. As she struggled to try to keep me out of the house, I snapped. I grabbed her by her neck and slammed her into the wall. She stopped struggling with me and just looked at me.

"Is this what you want?" She whispered. I was stunned. I let go of her and backed away slowly until I was out of the house. She brought her hands up to to her neck and touched the red marks that I had left behind. I have never seen the look in her eyes that she had now. She was afraid. Afraid of me. I felt sick. I turned around and collapsed on the front lawn. As I fell to my knees, I puked. She stood there in the doorway in shock, unable to move.

I picked myself off the ground and walked away. I knew in that moment that I was completely out of control. I knew in that moment I had effectively destroyed my entire telationship with the woman I just left standing in that doorway. I knew that she would never be the same again. I had no one to blame but myself. I did the only thing that I could think of. I left.

I spent the next few days in and out of various drug and alcohol induced stupors. In all honesty I wanted to die. I was drinking so much I was hoping I would pass out and never wake up. So far, no such luck. The cocaine wasn't really helping either. It just made me irritable and restless. As I laid there on my bedroom floor, I realized that I had two choices. I could either live or die. As I pondered the consequences of both of those options, I realized that no matter which one I chose, I probably wasn't going to get a happy ending. I laid there for 3 hours. In the end I chose to live. I grabbed a backpack filled it with what I needed and left. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I didn't have a clue myself. The only thing I knew was, somewhere out there I would find myself. Just not here. I didn't even look back.


	13. I Hate This Part

**A/N: This chapter is short on purpose. The next few chapters will continue to be told from Selena's point of you. You guys are gonna hate me as we get further in this story. Lol. I can't wait. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for the follows,reviews, and likes. **

I honestly have no idea how I'm going to do this. The past two weeks have completely destroyed my sanity. I have never felt so abandoned. As I look at the ugly purple fingerprints that grace my neck, I realize that I don't know the person that put them there. How did this happen? I remember the rage burning in her eyes. In all the years I had known her, that's a side of her I had never seen. I knew it was there. She punched a back up dancer and went after paparazzi, but this was something else entirely. Her hands have never touched me this way. Her hands have never left bruises.

After she left my house, she dissappeared. That was a week ago. I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying. My mom had to take Stella. I was in no condition to take care of her. Everyone was in shock. They couldn't believe that Demi would do something like this. It was so unlike her. Her mom was furious. After everything Demi has done, I'm still worried sick about her. No one knows where she is. For all we know she could have accidentally killed herself or even worse, done it on purpose. I felt sick. Wouldn't I know if she was dead? Wouldn't I feel it? Why couldn't I feel her?

When we got married 9 years ago, I never thought that we would end up like this. After 7 years of marriage we divorced. After nearly 2 years of being separated and miserable, I thought I found her again. She was doing so well. I didn't realize how fragile she was. I never imagined she would spiral so far out of control. I never thought she'd hurt me like this. She cut me to the core. It's literally painful for me to breathe. Walking out of that hospital room was harder than anything I've ever done. When I filed for divorce, I never really thought she'd sign the papers. When she did, I was devastated. Walking out of that hospital was different. She didn't even try to stop me. She barely looked at me. I feel like I've failed her in every way. I wasn't strong enough.

Letting her go is not something that I'm entirely sure I can do. I don't even know where to start. The very idea brings me severe panic attacks. The only thing that I know for sure is, I need to find her. I need to look into her eyes and know that she's still breathing. I need to hear her voice. I need her to touch me with her hands. I need her to heal these bruises. I laid down in my bed and cried until I fell asleep.

I woke up at almost noon and noticed that my mail had come. As I sifted through the pile there was an envelope that caught my attention. The handwriting was hers. I frowned when I realized there was no return address. I took a few moments to try and prepare myself for what could be in that envelope. Once I gathered the courage to open it, I carefully tore the edge off and pulled out a slip of paper.

Selena,

You are free.

D

That's all it said. Nothing else. No answers, no explanations. Not even a fucking apology. I felt angry. I crumpled the piece of paper and let it fall to ground. Several tears followed it. Free from what Demi? You? Hardly. I cried harder. Why did I have to love someone that was so unpredictable and damaged? Why was it so damn impossible for me to just walk away and feel nothing?

I went back upstairs into what used to be our bedroom. It hasn't been our bedroom for a long time. It still looked like our bedroom. I opened the closet an decided that her clothes were the first thing to go. I started grabbing them and throwing them into the middle of the floor. Once I had all of her clothes out of my closet I grabbed armfuls of them and headed down to the music room. I wasn't sure what I was going to with them long term, but for now I didn't want to see them. I threw them on top of the piano and headed upstairs for the next batch. I slowly but surely went through my entire house until everything that belonged to her was in that damn room. The only things I didn't take down were the pictures. I couldn't do that to Stella. It wasn't fair to her. As I looked around the house, I felt strange. The best way to describe how I felt was relief. I had been carrying her around with me for all these years. I never realized how heavy our relationship had become. I took one last look in the music room before I shut the door and locked it. As I walked away I promised myself never again.


	14. Don't Leave Me Behind

**A/N: Heres a quick update. Enjoy. I love all your reviews. Keep em coming! Thanks for reading. The song I used as Demi's journal entry is called "Sober" it's by Kelly Clarkson.**

As the time began to relentlessly tick by, I realized that maybe she wasn't going to come back. The seconds became minutes. Minutes became hours. Hours became days. Days became weeks. The weeks became months. The months became a year. Everyday I told myself I was fine. Everyday I fought the urge to open up that room and put all of her things back where they belonged. I passed most of my time with Stella. She gave me the strength to at least try and move on. As I sat there and watched her play her guitar, I couldn't help but think how much of you she has in her. She looks like me, but her spirit and charm is all you.

I don't know how you can even stand to be away from her. I know I couldn't do it. She's always been patient when it comes to you. It's almost like she can sense the unrest and struggle that lives in you. She doesn't hold against you that you're gone. It's like she already knows and expects that you will return as soon as you are able.

I google you everyday hoping to find something. I never do. It's frustrating for me to have no clue where you are. Your assistant, who inexplicably still works for you, was kind enough to tell me that she knows you are ok as well as where you are. She refuses, per your instruction, to tell me where you are though. I pretty much hate her.

The song Stella was playing was one of yours. It was a sad one and she played it with expert timing. I found myself wondering if the music is how she expressed she how she was feeling inside. She was so young. I worried that your absence would have a negative effect on her down the road. She never complained about you being gone an she never asked me where you were. Thank god for that, I don't know if I could take it. As I sat there wondering where you were, I heard my doorbell ring.

I opened my front door and greeted a delivery man.

"Mrs. Torres?" He asked.

"No. Not anymore. Can I help you?" I answered.

"I have a package addressed to a Stella Torres." He answered.

"That's my daughter. I'll go ahead and take it." He handed me a slip to sign then gave me the package. It was small, about the size of a textbook and wrapped in brown paper. I froze when I saw the handwriting. It was Demi's.

It took every ounce of willpower I had not to tear it open. I took it inside and sat in the table. I didn't know if I should give it to Stella or not. In the end, I decided that if you wanted her to have it, she should.

"Stella, come here baby. You got a package." I said to her.

She walked over to the table an took the package. She examined the outside before looking at me. She had a very serious look on here face. She turned around and left with the package. I watched as she walked upstairs to her bedroom.

After sitting in silence for what seemed like hours, I went upstairs to check on Stella. She was very intently reading through what I could only assume was a journal. She looked up and smiled at me before returning to her reading. I decided that I wanted some company. I called Taylor and she agreed to come over and have some coffee with me.

"Hey Sel." Taylor greeted as she walked into the house.

"Hey. I smiled back." Pulling her into a hug. "It's good to see you." I added.

"You too. Where's Stella?" She asked.

"She's upstairs reading something that Demi sent her." I noticed the blonde tense up at the mention of Demi's name. I decided to quickly change the subject. We continued to talk and enjoy each other's company for the rest of the afternoon. Once Stella was tucked into bed for the evening, we opened up a bottle of wine and sat in front of the fireplace.

"Can I ask you something Selena?"

"Mmm hmm." I answered lazily.

"How come you haven't tried seeing other people." She asked.

I let out a long sigh before answering. "I'm in love with Demi. It doesn't matter how long she leaves or what she does to me. I can't get away from her." I answered sadly.

"I don't buy that." She boldly states. "I think you're afraid of change. I think you're afraid of being truly happy."

"Tay, even if I was open to dating, I'm so freakin damaged and hurt its not even funny." I stated. "I'm just not ready. She's literally the only person I've ever been with."

"What? What about Justin, Nick and the other Taylor?" She asked, her blue eyes shocked.

"Nope." I said quietly.

"Wow Sel. I had no idea." She said staring at me amazed.

As the night wore on, we got drunker. I hadn't felt so at ease in a long time. Before either of us realized what was happening we were locked in a kiss. It wasn't just any kiss either. It was passionate and urgent. When we pulled apart and as I stared into her blue eyes, I realized I had another chance at happiness. I liked the way I felt in her arms. I needed her I realized.

"Taylor. Lets go upstairs." I husked. She didn't say a word. She took me upstairs and led me into my bedroom. For the first time in my life. I spent the night with someone that wasn't Demi.

I woke up several hours later with a slight headache. It was still dark out and as I looked at the blue eyed woman sleeping next to me, I couldn't help but feel guilty. I carefully got out of bed and pulled on my robe. I went to Stella's room to check on her. She was sleeping peacefully. I pulled her blankets up to her chin and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. As I turned to leave, the book Demi sent her caught my eye. It was a worn leather pins journal. It looked like it was bursting at the seams. Against my better judgment, I picked it up and headed toward my office.

As I sat at my desk illuminated by the lamplight, I was fighting an inner battle, should I read it or not? In the end my curiosity got the best of me. As I flipped through the pages, I could help but feel an ache in my heart. There were pictures tucked in the pages. I missed her so much. The pages were filled with journal entries as well as lyrics and random thoughts. I stopped at an entry dated 3 months after she left.

_I don't know, this could break my heart or save me. Nothing's real until you let go completely. Here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving. Here I go with all my fears weighing on me. Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers. In any case, I know it's never really over. I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe, at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right. No comparing or second guessing this time. Three months and I'm still breathing. It's been a long road since those hands I left my tears in._

As the tears slid down my cheeks, I realized that the woman who wrote these words would always have my heart.


	15. Blowing Kisses In The Wind

**A/N: Come on guys! Taylor is a delightful person! Lol. Here's the next update. Thank you for reading. Demi's journal entry is taken from a song called "Love Song Requiem" by Trading Yesterday.**

**A/N: I just wanted to clarify something that probably got lost in translation. Taylor and Miley were not dating. Just hooking up. I added that seemingly random bit as kind of a subliminal message leading up to the comment Demi made to Taylor before her car accident. In my mind those two things were my way of hinting at Tay/Sel. Sorry if it confused you.**

I spent the rest of the night reading every single word in that journal. I felt so heartbroken. I never quite understood the inner workings of Demi's mind and emotions until I read those words. There was one entry I read in particular that stayed with me.

_Hope is just a stranger, wondering how it got so bad. I die each time you look away. My heart, my life, will never be the same. This love will take my everything. One breath, one touch, will be the end of me.  
You could be the final straw that brings me back to earth. Wishing I could find a way to wash away the past. I know now that my heart will break, but at least the pain will last._

It was devastating. How is it possible for one person to carry around so much pain? I couldn't stop the tears that fell so I just gave in and cried until I fell asleep.

I woke up to commotion in the kitchen. My body was sore from sleeping in the chair. I got up and made my way downstairs to investigate what the noise was. I saw Stella sitting at the table and Taylor was cooking breakfast. As I took in the scene in front of me, I felt slightly panicked.

"Taylor, what are you doing?" I asked my voice strained.

"Making some breakfast." She smiled.

"Look, last night was..." I stopped when I remembered Stella was in the room.

"Sel. It's just breakfast. I'm not asking you to marry me. Relax." She said slowly.

"I just need a minute." I said as I turned and left the room.

I had no idea what I was feeling. I was torn. Demi left me here. I couldn't wait forever. That's what I've been doing. Waiting and hoping and becoming more empty and numb as time crawled by. I don't think I can do it much longer. Last night was the first time I felt loved since that night I spent wrapped up in Demi's arms a year ago. I flopped down on the couch and buried my face in my hands. I didn't know what to do.

As I made my way back into the kitchen, Taylor was serving breakfast.

"I think we should talk." I stated. She nodded and followed me out of the kitchen into the den.

"I'm not ready for all this." I told her as we sat on the couch. "It's too much."

"Sel, you can't sit here and tell me you didn't feel the connection we shared. I know you did. I understand that it was probably difficult waking up to find me cooking your daughter breakfast. I apologize. She woke up and came into the room looking for you and found me instead."

"Oh shit." I cursed placing my palm on my forehead. "What did you tell her?"

"That you let me borrow your bed. Then she asked if I could cook her something and I said yes."

"You could have woke me up." I stated annoyed.

"I suppose, but I had no idea where you were." She informed me.

"Fair enough." I sighed.

"Sel. I want you to give us a chance. We can take it as slow as you want. I really feel like we have something here." She said looking at me hopefully.

I realized that talking to her had calmed my nerves quite a bit. I smiled as I looked into her hopeful eyes. She was so full of life. She was kind and honest. I cared about her tremendously. I felt a connection with her.

"Yeah." I said softly. "I'd like that." I leaned in and connected our lips. It felt good to kiss her. "Let's go eat." I said as we both got up and headed back into the kitchen. As we both made our way to our seats, I noticed that Stella was eyeballing the both of us. She looked as if he was scowling.

"Stella, are you ok?" I asked her.

"What were you guys doing?" She asked. Taylor's eyes got big.

"We were just talking." I answered carefully. "Why?"

"Cuz you're acting weird." She stated while eating her pancakes. "Why was auntie Taylor in your room last night?" She continued interrogating. I nearly choked on my eggs.

"Umm, because she had a little too much to drink, like adults do sometimes, and I wanted to make sure she was safe." I answered trying to sound cheerful.

"Well, you don't like it when Mama drinks, so how come she gets to?" She said pointing an accusing finger at Taylor. Oh shit. I thought. I could tell Taylor wanted to help but I shook my head no.

"Young lady. This conversation is not appropriate. You will finish breakfast and then get ready for your music lessons." I said sternly.

We finished breakfast in silence. Once everyone was finished I was thankful. This was going to be a rough adjustment. I thought to myself.

Time continued to pass. Stella became more comfortable having Taylor around. We were able to be affectionate around her and that allowed our relationship to grow. I attended all of her public work functions when my schedule allowed it and she attended mine. We were the new "it" couple. Whatever the hell that meant. Slowly but surely I felt the hold Demi had on my heart lessening. I didn't think of her as often as I used to. It was a relief.

By the end of the year, I had asked Taylor to move in. She offered to help me pack up Demi's stuff and I agreed. As I watched the movers load the boxes of her stuff, I was surprised that it didn't really upset me. As I watched the piano leave, that was a different story entirely. As it passed me, I ran my fingers along its smooth surface. You were playing that piano the first time you told me you loved me. We were both 16. I closed my eyes and suppressed the urge to cry. I had to let you go.


	16. Schizophrenic Conversations

**A/N: I'm just gonna leave this here. I use several songs in this chapter. The songs that are used for Demi's journal entries are called "Snuff" by Slipknot and "Landing In London" by 3 Doors Down. Selena's letter contains lines from "The Way I Loved You" by Selena Gomez. Last but not least I also used the song called " Walking And Thinking" by Ra. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It's pretty heavy and hopefully it shows you where this story is headed. Follow me on twitter! AViolentEmotion**

I needed closure. I needed you to walk through that door an tell me why you couldn't just stay sober. I need you to tell me why you keep leaving me. Why do I have to be the one that's always wondering? Why? As I sit here trying to find the courage to write you a letter you may never read, I still find myself feeling guilty. Why does my heart still long for you? I know that I want to be with Taylor. She has stayed with me while you have dissappeared. She has always been a constant in my life. You have been in and out as you please, leaving me damaged and alone. She loves me and I love her. I really do.

My hands shake as I touch the pen to the blank sheet of paper. I take a deep breath and start writing.

Demi,

As I write this, I have no idea where you are. You have vanished without a single word. I have no choice but to let you go. Its hard Demi. Letting you go is making me feel so cold. I've been trying to make believe it doesn't hurt. That only seems to make it worse though. Since you left, I've been a wreck. I'm tangled up inside and my heart is on my sleeve. It doesn't feel good at all. If you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me. You were supposed to take care of me. I want you to know that I have found someone else. I am in love with her and she asked me to marry her last night. I said yes. It too late for us. I'm sorry. I will always love you. You were my first love. I always hoped you would be my last love. I can't do this anymore. I can't live half a life. I'm sorry.

Selena

I folded the single sheet of paper and stuffed it into an envelope. I had to remind myself to breathe. I inhaled deeply and let out a long shaky breath. There was one last thing for me to do. Deliver the letter. As I drove to Demi's house, I hoped that maybe she would be there. I knew that the odds of that actually happening were slim to none. I just desperately needed closure. Maybe I just needed to see her one last time before I said goodbye.

I walked up to her front door and knocked. I had called her assistant ahead of time so she knew to be expecting me. Once she answered the door, she allowed me inside. I went into Demi's recording studio and placed the letter on the surface of that damn piano. Seeing it caused my throat to constrict. That damn thing was like kryptonite. I really needed to stay away from it. I wiped the tears from my eyes and turned to leave. As I walked by her assistants office I could hear a voice that I recognized singing. I peeked in the office looking for the owner of the voice, but she wasn't there. Her assistant was listening to something on her computer.

"What are you listening to?" I asked startling the woman.

"It's a rough cut of a song that Demi emailed. She's been having me store them for her until she gets back." She answered.

"Would it be ok if I listened to it?" I asked.

"I don't see why not." She replied. "You're bound to hear it eventually." She stopped the track and started it over. I listened to the guitar and closed my eyes as soon as her voice filled my ears.

_From the air I see your loneliness__  
__You carry on despite your fear__  
__Inside a box you keep your sanity__  
__And it will never seem clear to me_

_Over the hills the light it flows it shows the angels laughing__  
__Where is the love that we're supposed to find__  
__Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming__  
__Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind___

_A simple spell cast is broken through__  
__The force of life decides to bend__  
__You lay below the sacred stormy skys__  
__And you will write the end for me___

_Over the hills the light it flows it shows the angels laughing__  
__Where is the love that we're supposed to find__  
__Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming__  
__Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind___

_Door close and I will be denied__  
__A dagger thrust into my chest__  
__You claim yourself to the victory__  
__But it is I who will rest in peace___

_Over the hills the light it flows it shows the angels laughing__  
__Where is the love that we're supposed to find__  
__Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming__  
__Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind_

When the song was finished, I couldn't move. I didn't even realize I was crying until Demi's assistant, gave me some tissue. She smiled sadly and went back to working. I left her house feeling even more confused. How am I going to do this? Every time I'm near her or anything that belongs to her, I go right back to missing her. We have a child together. How am I going to marry someone and not be constantly torn between the two of them? Is it even possible to love two people at the same time? How do I know which one I love more?

When I got back home, another package from Demi had arrived. I frowned. I was kind of feeling like I couldn't get away from her. She always had horrible timing. Apparently she didn't even have to actually be around for this fabulous trend to continue. I grabbed the package, tore it open and started to read the pages.

_All this time I spend away, I'll make up for this I swear. I need your love to hold me up, when its all too much to bare. When the night falls in around me, and I don't think I'll make it through, I'll use your light to guide the way. All I think about is you. If this keeps me away much longer, I don't know what I will do. You've got to understand its hard life that I'm going through. I hope I'm hope I'm not too late..._

I continued to flip through the journal. It was difficult to figure out what entries were song lyrics and what her actual thoughts were. She seemed to be blending the the two.

_If you love me let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. You can't destroy what it isn't there. I don't deserve to have you. My smile was taken long ago. If you still care don't ever let me know_.

I stopped at that entry. It upset me. Why couldn't I just make up my mind? I want so desperately to move on. In some ways I already have. It's like there's this little part of me that wants her so bad. I have moments where I feel like I'm completely over her and then there's moments like these. Moments when the only thing I want are her arms around me. I want to bury my face in her chest and breathe her in. I want to hear her voice telling me she loves me. It's times like this, I feel so weak. I feel so alone. It's almost like I'm addicted to her. I know she's bad for me, but when she's good I am so happy. She's so up and down. Sometimes I wish I could just cut out the part of my heart that cares for her. The part that loves her. Maybe I'm just foolish. I'm pretty sure the whole damn thing is attached to her.

The longer I think about her, the angrier I become. She did this. She did all of it. She's been doing since we were 16. There's a darkness in her that I have never been able to completely illuminate. She's been unfaithful to me, she's lied, she's been drinking and using drugs, she even physically hurt me. It was only once, but that single incident left me afraid of her. That was something new. I was mostly afraid for her. Afraid her destructive behavior would leave her dead. I had never been afraid of her. That was something else entirely different. I always knew I was safe with her. Now I have no idea, and it breaks my heart. Why was it so easy for her to break my heart? One would would think that the shards were beyond repair by now.

Taylor. She's picking up the pieces, not you. She is here with me every night. She stays no matter what. You run. The bottle. Cocaine. Another woman. It doesn't matter what it is, you run to it. Sometimes all three at once. I never see you running to me. I know now that I am not enough. I never have been and never will be. I gave you my whole heart, and you broke it. I'm taking it back and I'm giving to someone that will take care of it. I'm giving it to person that has been picking up all the pieces. She has slowly and carefully pulled me out of the wreckage that you left. With her I am safe.

I hear the front door open and hear Stella's little feet running on the hardwood floors.

"We're home!" I hear her call out.

I head downstairs to greet her. Taylor smiles when she sees me.

"Hey babe." She smiles and I give her a kiss.

"You guys are gross." I hear Stella groan. Taylor and I both laugh.

"Did you guys have fun?" I asked my daughter.

"Yes. It was awesome. I can't wait until we go back." She squeeled.

"You look tired." I said to Taylor.

"You know how much I hate flying. It's exhausting." She yawned.

After putting Stella to bed, Taylor and I sat and caught up. She had spent the weekend in New York with Stella. She told me about their trip and everything that they did. Once she finished telling me about their adventures, she told me she wanted to work on a couple songs. I went to the kitchen and got her some coffee. I entered the music room and watched as she sat on the floor with her guitar. She leaned over to the side and started scribbling notes into a notebook. She looked like she was concentrating hard. I sat the steaming mug down next to her and she smiled her thanks. As I walked away I took one last glance being me. Instead of Taylor, I saw you, you had your hair in a messy bun and you were chewing on the end of a pen. You take your glasses off and let out a deep sigh. You start to write and hum as a smile spreads across your face. I close my eyes and will the memory away. I've made my choice.


	17. A Different Kind Of Pain

**A/N: Demi is back. Enjoy. Follow me on Twitter AViolentEmotion, that way you can bitch me out for this story in real time! Lol.**

As the plane touched down in Los Angeles, I had never felt more alive. I'm not gonna lie, I was incredibly nervous and I knew that the hardest part of my journey was still ahead of me. I had spent the last two years rebuilding myself from the ground up. I learned how to love me. For the first time in my life, I have control of myself. Complete control. My emotions and insecurities no longer define me. They are a part of me, but they don't rule me. As I walk through the airport, I can't help but feel relieved. I'm home. It didn't take long for people to realize who I was. I stopped for a few pictures and autographs. Once I made it to the baggage claim, I grabbed my backpack and caught a cab home. I had gotten used to grabbing whatever form of transportation I could find. It's not the destination that matters, but the journey. I try to keep it interesting these days.

As I walked through the doors to my house, I smiled. I missed it here. I immediately make a beeline for my studio. I can't say I wasn't surprised to see my white grand piano sitting in its place. That can't be good, I thought. I noticed something else. It was a small white envelope addressed to me. It had Selena's handwriting on it. I picked it up, and opened it. I took a deep breath before I read the words she had written.

My heart literally stopped. Deep down I always wondered when this would happen. I shouldn't have been surprised. Once I got over the initial shock, I tried to figure out what I was going to do. Part if me wanted to just accept how she felt and let go. There was another part of me though, one that wanted to fight. I literally had no idea what to do.

I sat down in an attempt to gather my thoughts. My mind was racing. Taylor? Really? How did that even happen? The part that really upset me was the fact that she's going to marry her. I know Selena. Marriage is something that is very important to her, if she commits herself to another person, thats it. If she marry's Taylor, I'll lose her forever. I don't know what to think or how to feel about this.

I read the letter again. Maybe I missed something. Maybe somewhere in her words there was still hope. As I reread it, it felt like my heart was jammed in my throat. She was done. I was too late. She gave me another chance and I blew it. I let her slip through my fingers. I was familiar with the pain of losing her. I had already been through it before. This was different. This felt final. This was a different kind of pain. Knowing that someone else would hold her, not me. It killed me. Knowing that I pushed her so far away from me, she would never be mine again. It killed me.

I watched my tears as they fell to the floor. I wasn't sobbing, just crying. I knew what I had to do, I just didn't know if I had the strength to do it. I had to make this right somehow. At the very least, I needed to give us some sort of closure. I needed to say goodbye. I folded the letter and put it in my pocket. I left my house and stood out in my driveway. I took a deep breath and got into my car. There was no turning back now.

As I knocked on the door of what used to be my house, I couldn't help but feel sad. The love that built these walls used to be so strong It's my fault that things turned out this way. I raised my fist and tapped my knuckles against the door. I wasn't expecting Taylor to answer, but she did. Her blue eyes were completely shocked to see me standing there.

"Demi?" She questioned.

"Hey." I said quietly. "Can I talk to Selena?" I asked.

"She's not here. She won't be back until Sunday night." She answered.

We both stared at each other in silence. We were sizing each other up. I know that she felt incredibly awkward. I could tell she was trying to figure out if I knew or not.

"Can I come in? I'd like to talk to you if that's alright?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"Umm...yeah. Sure. Come in." She said as she stepped aside to allow me to enter. As I walked through the doorway I immediately notice how different it is. Taylor definitely lives here, I think to myself.

"I like what you've done with the place." I say, trying to break the ice.

"Thanks." She says carefully. "You wanna sit?" She asks pointing to the kitchen.

"Yeah." I answer.

We both sit and resume staring at each other. It seemed completely absurd to me.

"When did you get back?" She finally asked.

"A couple hours ago." I answered. I pulled the letter out of my pocket and slide it across the table to Taylor. She opened it and started to read it. It didn't take her but a few moments before she glanced up at me.

"So you know." She stated.

"Yeah." I answered quietly.

"Did you come here to try and get her back?" The blonde asked me.

"No." I said firmly. "I came here to tell her goodbye."

"I'm sure she got the hint a couple years back Demi." She responded.

"Ouch." I said. "I deserved that. So I'm not gonna hold it against you. I know you love her. I'm thankful that she has you."

"Look, I don't have a problem with you Demi, I never have. I just don't know if having you around is going to be a good thing for Sel. She's been through the ringer. You know that. You always confuse her, she doesn't know how to let you go. How is it that you randomly show up right when she finds the strength to do it?" She asked me.

"I had no idea any if this was happening." I replied. "I have a daughter with her. I can't just leave and never come back. That was never my intention. I left to get better. I left because I was a fucking mess and I didn't want to destroy her."

"Did you ever consider that leaving would destroy her?" Taylor asked very matter of fact.

I was beginning to get frustrated. "I did the best I could. I loved her Taylor. I love her still. I love her enough to walk away. I will regret the things that I did to destroy my marriage for the rest of my life. I don't need you to sit there and rub it in my face." I said my voice strained.

"What do you expect me to say Demi? It's ok?" She asked with an annoyed look on her face

"No...I just...I'm trying Taylor! I'm trying to do the right fucking thing!" I yelled. "Do you know how hard this is? She is my fucking life! I am nothing without her. She is literally the reason I'm standing her still alive. She is my life." I stood up and started pacing. "Promise me that you'll take care of her. Promise me." I said staring directly into her eyes.

"I promise." She said quietly. " You should probably go" She added. I nodded and walked out of the kitchen.

"I'll show myself out." I said as I walked away.

Once I got back to my car, I felt empty. I drove down to Hollywood Blvd, and decided to get out and walk around. I wandered aimlessly reading the stars as I stepped on each one. Most of the names I had never even heard of. I wondered if I was going to be just another forgotten star. As I walked I came across a bar, I liked the music that was playing and decided to walk in. I went up to the counter and sat in the far corner. When the bartender made his way over to me, I hesitated before ordering.

"Ice water please." I said to the older man. He nodded and gave me a glass. I took a drink of the flavorless cold liquid and sat with my elbow on the counter resting my head in the palm of my hand. I let the music wash over me and for the first time in a long time I didn't have any desire to numb my pain. I wanted to feel my heart breaking.


	18. Goodbye To The Girl

**A/N: You guys are cracking me up. Poor Taylor. She's so misunderstood. Lol. This chapter is a turning point in the story. Depending on how you guys react, I'm either going to keep the original ending or write a new one. We shall see. There's a few more chapters left. I'd love to hear what you guys think. Thank you for all of your reviews? I appreciate them. The song is called "Goodbye to the Girl" it's by David Cook.**

I knew it was going to hurt. I just didn't realize how bad. Taylor? Really Selena? Fucking Taylor. It's hard to let go of someone you have loved since you were 16 years old. They say that when you love someone, you should let them go. They also say if it comes back, it's meant to be. First of all, that is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard. Life is not a damn Nicholas Sparks novel. It's really just not like that at all. Trust me I know. It's mostly just painful and fucking exhausting. Like really really exhausting. Love hurts. All the fucking time. It's also super inconvenient, and as luck would have it you will fall in love with the one person that you really should just stay away from. In short its a fucking nightmare. I have been hurting Selena since the day she said those fateful words back to me. I can't help it. It doesn't matter what I do, in the end I always end up making her cry. Why is it so hard for me to let her go. Do I not love her enough? Am I selfish? If I didn't know any better, I would say that all of this shit that's been happening is the universes way of telling me to stay away from her. Why the fuck can't I listen? She sure as hell is. She's fucking engaged. She's engaged to another human being. It's not me. What the fuck?!

As I sit in my car, wrestling with my desire to see her and my will to let her go, I can't help but feel lost. I am so fucking lost. I feel like I'm wandering around with a damn map and I'm refusing to ask for directions. It's a total douche move. I know she's home. I saw her car pull into my...I mean Taylor's driveway. Fuck that blue eyed...never mind, this isn't her fault. It's mine. I feel like I'm living under a perpetual rain cloud complete with my very own depressing violin music. I slam my palms against the steering wheel. I keep telling myself to drive away, but my body won't move. It refuses. It's like gravity is pulling me towards her. Fuck you gravity. I'm bad for her. She's happy now. Walk away. Leave her alone.

Fuck this. I'm going to talk to her. I open my car door and step outside. I can feel the breeze against my face as I head toward the house. I didn't notice the dark clouds as they loomed overhead. A storm was coming. Unfortunately, I would be the catalyst. I walked to the gate and entered the pass code. It still worked. The gate slowly opened as I stepped into the driveway and began what I was certain, would be a death march. The lone causality of this war would be my heart, and possibly my sanity. I needed to do this. It's too late to start over. It's too late to be the person I should have been. I'm constantly reaching for a heart that always slips right through my hands. I'm not running anymore. I can't. I won't. This is it.

I take a deep breath before knocking on the door. I don't care how much of her shit she crams in this house, it's still mine. Selena and I built it from the ground up. Taylor is nothing more than an inhabitant. The foundations are mine. Our love built these walls. As the door opened, my heart stopped. She had gotten so big. She immediately jumped into my arms and I held her like my life depended on it. She was beautiful, just like her mother. She was perfect. I felt the tears as they slid down my cheeks, I didn't care though. I was holding my world in my arms right now.

"I knew you'd be back." She whispered to me.

"Always." I whispered back. "Where's your mom?" I asked.

"Upstairs." She said as she hugged me again. I lost myself in my little girl. As I looked up, I saw her standing there, frozen. Her hand on her mouth, her eyes were watery. I kissed Stella and set her down.

"Go watch TV sweetheart." I told her. She looked at me like she desperately wanted to help. "Go." I said gently. She did as I asked. Slowly I met Selena's gaze. I slowly walked toward her.

"Don't." She said in a strangled whisper. I didn't listen. I slowly crept closer. She tried to keep the tears from falling but she couldn't. I watched as they spilled over, cascading down her cheeks. "Don't." She repeated.

I didn't listen, she didn't try to back away either. As I stood in front of her she let out a strangled sob. I reached out to touch her face and she pulled back slightly. "Don't." Her voice trembled. I put my hand back to my side and just held her eyes with mine. She was upset. The emotion in her dark eyes nearly broke my heart. There was so much pain. I watched as her hand twitched. I knew what was coming next. Sure enough as predicted, she slapped the shit out of me. Not once, not twice, but three times. It fucking hurt. I opted to just stand there stoic, without flinching. Before I could even register the pain, her arms wrapped around me and crushed me into her. I could feel her fingertips digging into my back. I could feel her thin frame shaking as she cried into my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and did the only thing I could. I let her cry.

Once she stopped crying, she let go of me and went downstairs. I followed her into the kitchen, where she proceeded to sit at the table. I pulled out a chair and joined her.

"Why are you here.?" She asked me, her voice hoarse from crying.

"Because I owe you an explanation." I answer.

"I don't want your fucking explanations Demi! I want my fucking heart to stop bleeding for you! I want you to stop disrupting my life every fucking time you feel the need to explain yourself!" She screamed at me as she stood up.

"Sel, calm down." I said quietly

"Calm? You want me to be fucking calm? Fuck you Demi!" She continued screaming at me.

"What did you want me to do Sel? Stay? Let Stella see me coked out of my mind? Is that what you wanted?" I yelled back, as I flung my chair across the room walking toward her.

"Yes Demi! You could have fucking stayed!" She yelled as sobs wracked her entire body.

"I couldn't put you through this. I love you too much." I said lowering my voice.

"You shouldn't have come back Demi, there is nothing for you here. The love we had is gone. I want you to leave." She said as she tried to regain her composure.

"Bullshit Selena." I state.

"I mean it. Leave. Now." She says pointing to the front of the house.

"Say it. Look me in the eye and say you don't love me." I challenge, stepping directly in front of her. "Tell me Sel. I wanna hear it." I continued.

"Demi, leave." She whispered as the tears started again.

"Say it Sel." I said taking her face into my hands. "Look me in the eyes, and say it."

I felt her hands as they grasped my wrists. I watched the tears as the slid down her cheeks. Her breathing was ragged. As I looked into her eyes, I could see her struggling. I knew she wasn't going to say it. Her eyes were a window to her soul.

"I've spent the past five years wondering when I was going to get a phone call from someone telling me you were dead. I have stood by you through everything. Do not make me say those words Demi. I will if I have to. I am begging you, please. Please don't make me do this, please don't make this harder than it already is. Please." She begged me in between sobs.

"Why can't you say it Sel?" I asked as tears of my own start to fall.

"Because, despite everything I still love you." She choked. "I can't do this Demi, I just can't. Please? If you ever loved me. Please. Just walk out that door, and go. Please." She pleaded.

I felt her let go of my wrists and I let my hands fall to my sides. I had to do the right thing. I pulled her into me and pressed my lips to hers. She didn't struggle, she didn't object. She kissed me back. I felt her hands as the grasped my face. I gently pulled away and her eyes met mine, she was searching for some kind of closure. "Goodbye." I said as I turned and walked out of the house.

I sat in my house listening to the storm as it battered my house. The rain was coming down in torrents. I groaned as the electricity cut out. I stalked around the house lighting candles, as I walked by my studio I noticed my acoustic guitar sitting on one of my guitar racks. I walked over to it and read the words that were scrawled across it in a sharpie pen. Selena loves Demi. You wrote that the night before I left to go on tour after we had gotten married. I sat down in a chair and picked it up. I closed my eyes and did the only thing I could do. I poured my heart out and cried as I wrote the last song I would ever write for you.

I strummed my guitar and committed each and every word to memory as they fell from my lips.

_Paint another picture black and blue_

_Take another moment, one or two_

_Just to get over you_

_When did all the gold around us rust?_

_Turning all the love we had to dust_

_It took the best of you_

_It took the best of you_

_Oh I've got nowhere to hide_

_Say my goodbye to the girl_

_I'm leaning on the edge_

_I'm jumping off the ledge_

_Take another picture off the wall_

_Just another moment, watch it fall_

_Into the ocean blue_

_Take a look at where we used to be_

_Now I'm just a vessel lost at sea_

_I can't get over you_

_I don't know what to do_

_Oh I've got nowhere to hide_

_Say my goodbye to the girl_

_I'm leaning on the edge_

_I'm jumping off the ledge_

_Watching the night do what the light never could_

_So tell me I'm crazy_

_It's not gonna save me_

_From holding my breath_

_Til the lines blur_

_Cause I've got nowhere to hide_

_Say my goodbye to the girl_

_Oh, goodbye to the girl_

_Paint another picture black and blue_

_Take another moment, one or two_

_Oh I've got nowhere to hide_

_Say my goodbye to the girl_

_I'm leaning on the edge_

_I'm jumping off the ledge_

_Watching the night do what the light never could_

_So tell me I'm crazy_

_It's not gonna save me_

_From holding my breath_

_Til the lines blur_

_Cause I've got nowhere to hide_

_Say my goodbye to the girl_

_And goodbye to the world_

_Oh, goodbye to the world_

Once I finished I let the guitar fall to floor. I buried my face in my hands and did the only thing I could do. I cried.


	19. I Can't Make You Love Me

**A/N: So this chapter is in everyone's favorite, Taylor's point of view. I hope you all feel bad by the way! Lol. Thank you for the reviews. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It's very different from what I originally had in mind. **

When I walked into our house, I immediately felt the emotional upheaval. It was cold and quiet. I walked into the kitchen and noticed that one of the chairs was halfway across the room and laying on its side. My heart rate increased as I felt myself getting worried. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

"Sel?" I called out carefully. No response.

I walked upstairs and found her sitting on our bed. She looked like absolute crap. I knew without a doubt what had happened. Demi. There were few things that could floor Selena like this. Number one on that list was Demi. I approached my fiancé and wrapped my arms around her. I felt her lean into me and start crying. I didn't say anything, I jut held her. I knew that what I did next had to be done carefully and with grace.

"Sel, I think we need to talk." I said once she had stopped crying. I watched as she wiped her eyes and pushed her hair out of her face.

"About what?" She asked sniffling.

"Why you're miserable and crying your eyes out." I answer gently.

"That's the last thing I want to be talking about right now. In fact I'm sick and fucking tired of talking about it." She said with a humorless laugh.

"Sel, listen to me, I think that you and I should take some time apart. I think you have a lot that you need to sort through right now." I state softly.

"Tay, no. I'm not interested in taking time apart. It's the last thing I need right now." She stated.

"Selena, listen to me." I say taking her hand. "I love you. I know you love me. I also know that you and Demi have a lot of history. The two of you need to resolve whatever it is that lingers between you. I might be blonde, but I'm not stupid. I want to marry you, but I won't do it unless I know you're gonna be happy. I won't chain you to me like that."

"What if we never get past whatever it is that's between us Tay?" She asked with desperation in her voice.

"I can't answer that for you." I respond. "Just trust me. I think this will be good for you. I'm not gonna interfere with anything. I want you to make a decision on your own. Think about yourself for once Sel. What do you want? That's all you should be thinking about."

"I want to be happy. It's that simple." She says to me as more tears start to fall.

"Look at me." I say as I gently cup her face. "I love you. I'm here for you. I want you to be happy, even if its not with me. I want you to figure this out. I'm gonna stay at my place for a few days. You can call me if you need anything." I tell her. She leans in and kisses me softly.

"Ok." She says, taking in a shaky breath.

I get up and grab my suitcase. I watch as she goes into the closet and brings out some of my clothes. She helps me pack. I smile as I watch her go through my luggage and ensure I have everything I will need. Once she is satisfied, she hugs me tightly and walks me to the door.

"Are you sure about this Tay?" She asks me quietly.

"Yeah." I answer, squeezing her hand. "I have to be fair to you. I love you too much to see you like this. Ive said it once, I'll say it again, you deserve to be happy babe."

"I love you." She says.

"I know." I answer as I open the door and step out into the night.

As I drive away I can't help but feel like this is the beginning of the end. I know she loves me, but the bond she shares with Demi is something that she and I don't have. No matter how fucked up Demi is, she always pulls Selena in. I'm not sure if its even possible for Selena to break free from that. I don't dislike Demi, I dislike her addictions. He has a good heart and she's spent her whole life battling her demons. I hope for Selena's sake, she can win. I know that the next few days will be hard. Someone's heart is going to break, I just hope it isn't mine. I'm a realistic person and I know that despite my hope, I need to prepare for the inevitable. Maybe it's better this way. The longer I think about it, the more certain I become. I have to let her go. I pick up my phone and dial a number I rarely use.

"Hello." I hear Demi say.

"Hey it's Taylor." I say. "We need to talk."

"I thought we already did." She grumbled.

"Look, whatever happened between you and Selena tonight really fucked her up. She's lost Demi. I'm going to help you get her back. I'm going to walk away. You need to be there to pick up the pieces." I tell her.

"Taylor, Selena made it clear she wants to be with you." She responded. "Whatever Sel and I used to be, it's gone."

"Not from where I'm sitting. If you look into her eyes, it's still there. She can't live without you Demi. Yes, she and I could be happy together, but that girl loves you madly. I want what you and her have. I'm never going to have it with her though. You are her first love and you are going to be her last." I said to the musician.

"I don't know how to fix what I've done Taylor." She choked out.

"You can't fix it Demi. You just have to acknowledge what you've done, and leave it in the past. You have worked so hard your entire life to be free of your addictions. You're not going to perfect, you just have to be honest with her. You have to let her in Demi. You have to let her be there for you. You push her away from the dark parts of you because you want to protect her. When you do that, you face your demons alone. You can't do it alone. You need her. It's always been her. She's your cure Demi, you just have to let her into your dark side. She can take it." I say.

"I love her so fucking much." She says quietly.

"I know." I reply.

"I'm gonna go. I need some time to process all of this. It's been a long day for me. I hope you understand." She says.

"I do." I answer. "Take care Demi. I hope you do the right thing." I add before we say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone.

As I sit in the darkness of my house, I can't help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day for Selena. I hope Demi has the strength to hold her together. I close my eyes and let out a deep breath. I'm going to need to take a break. My chest aches, and I hope that with time the pain will go away. I'm going to miss her. I pick my tired body up off the couch and make my way into my bedroom. I need to adjust to sleeping alone. This house is my home now.


	20. Insanity

**A/N: This fucking chapter... Anyway, thank you guys so much for the reviews. I apologize for constantly making you cry and say bad words. Lol. I love reading what you guys think. Enjoy.**

As I sat in my studio furiously scrawling words into a notebook, it occurred to me that I haven't gone to sleep. I look at the clock and groan. "Shit." I mutter out loud. It's 6 am, and I've been up all night. I throw the pen across the room and sigh heavily. I picked up my guitar and started to softly sing. "You left me I'm drowning. You left me don't know which way to go. You left me I cannot take this pain away from my chest." I got up off the floor and walked across the room to retrieve the pen. I walked back over to my notebook and wrote the words on the white pages. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to write anymore songs about you. I didn't want to miss you. I didn't want to need you. I didn't want to love you. I wanted you out of my head. I knew that if I couldn't find a way to get over you, I would end up going insane.

I felt like I was in the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I felt angry with you. You promised me that you would stay no matter what. As I sit here thinking about that promise, I realize that you have left me twice. Twice. I know that I pushed you out, but couldn't you have fought harder? I feel as if you've systematically collected and categorized each an every mistake I've ever made, and thrown them right back in my face. You always knew what you were getting yourself into when it came to me. My teenage years were rough, and left me with baggage that I have been dragging around for what feels like an eternity. You knew how emotionally fucked I am. Taylor was right though, I kept the darkest parts of me to myself. Despite all of that, you still tried. I know that. I know that I'm hurt and angry right now. I need to stop trying to blame you. I understand, I really do. It still hurts. It hurts that you have to leave me to protect yourself, to protect your heart. I know that giving it to me was easy, taking it back, not so much. I stare at the words I had written in the notebook, they don't even begin to describe or explain the way I feel. I feel a disconnect to them. I flip through the pages looking for something worth singing. Nothing. I can't feel any of it. I know you've had enough. Despite that, I can't help it. I want more. I can't stop.

I try to keep the tears from falling but I can't. I watch as they fall onto the pages, smudging the ink. This isn't a tragedy, it's reality. I look at the tattoos on my wrists. "Stay Strong" they say. I dont really feel strong right now. I'm not supposed to feel this way. You are not supposed to go. As I sit there, I can feel the darkness creeping into my thoughts. It's always there, but it's louder now. I close my eyes and feel it wash over me. It's so familiar. At first, it feels a little bit cold and suffocating, but as it settles over me, I feel comfort. Old scars itch. Whispered voices in my head encourage me. I look at the faded horizontal lines that grace the soft skin on my wrists. As I stare, my eyes focus on the tattoos again. I see the words and I see the lips. Those are yours. I close my eyes and push the voices out. I can't do this. Not again. I don't want it, and I won't live like that.

I pick up the pen and turn the page in the notebook. I place the pen against the paper and I start to write. I know that I need to keep my hands and my mind busy. I know that I am only as strong as the weakest parts of me. I can win and I will. I've done it before and I will do it again. Every mistake I have ever made cost me the one thing that I cherished above everything else. I won't let them destroy me. I won't let them take me. They can't have me. I close my eyes and I see you. To me you will always be that 16 year old girl, nnocent and full of life. I see you barefoot in my backyard, the moonlight reflecting off your skin as you dance. I see you on our wedding day. You look perfect. As you walk down the aisle, I can barely breathe. I see you seconds after giving birth to our daughter. You had never looked so beautiful. I kiss your forehead as I look at the miracle you are holding in your arms. I see you, and I realize that I will always have you with me. You are sewn into the very fabric of my life. No amount of time can ever take those moments from me. They are mine, just as you once were. You will always be the best part of my life, I'm sure of that. Losing you won't be the end. It can't be. I know you don't want that.

The tears continue to fall as I sit there. I'm letting you go. It's scary and it hurts, but I'm doing it because it's what you need. I drop the pen and bury my face in my hands. I can feel the sobs as they shake my body to its very core. I will always be thankful for our time together. My biggest regret will always be losing you. Slowly but surely, I feel my body start to settle. The tears stop and I feel exhausted. The knot is still in my chest, but I suppose that sort of thing takes time to heal. I know that I will be ok, eventually. I know that someday, I'll be able to hear your name and smile. Until then, I will have to carefully navigate the wreckage of my broken heart. I lay down on my side and stare in the direction of the piano. I prop my head an my arm and close my eyes. I was exhausted.

Startled I shot up. I could hear a light tapping on my door. I slowly pick myself up off the floor and make my way towards the knocking.

"Who is it?" I call out. My voice hoarse and raspy from sleep.

"It's me." I hear her small voice reply.

I froze. Why is she here? I reach up and slide the deadbolt. I turned the lock on the door and opened it slowly. She looked like shit. She wassn't wearing any makeup, her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, she's wearing sweatpants and one of my old hoodies. "Can I come in?" She quietly asked. I step aside and allow her to enter the house. She followed me into the den and sat on one of the couches. She pulled her legs underneath her body and wrapped her arms around herself. She looked so small and lost. I sat next to her and as soon as I did, the tears she had been holding in spilled over. I hesitantly reached for her and brushed them away. She let me.

"I don't wanna fight with you." She whispered as the tears continued to fall.

"Sel, what's wrong?" I asked her as I made eye contact.

"Everything." She answered looking down at her hands.

"You wanna talk about it?" I asked her, my voice soft.

"I got in my car because I needed to get out of my house. I needed air. Somehow I ended up here." She stated wiping away the tears that fell. "I keep coming back to you. I don't know why." She added quietly.

"Maybe we still haven't moved on." I say.

"I try so hard to hate you Demi. I tell myself over and over that you're no good for me. It doesn't work. I keep wanting you to hold me. I keep wanting you to fix my heart." She chokes out. "I just don't know if I can do this. Love shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't hurt so much. I don't know what to do." She cried.

"Selena, I know that I have hurt you. I know that I have been nothing but heartbreak for you. I wish you could hate me too. I already hate myself enough..."

"I saw it in your eyes. I saw it the night you had your hand around my neck. It broke my heart." she interrupted. "There were so many things about you that I loved. Things that I still love to this day." She said her voice cracking. "You're the love of my life." She said her brown eyes looking into mine.

"Tell me it's not too late Sel. Tell me." I whispered as the tears fell from eyes.

"I don't know right now." She answered truthfully.

I watched her as she tried to wipe the tears away. It was pointless, they just kept falling. I pulled her into my chest and held her tightly. She started to cry into my chest. I could hear her strangled sobs as she tried to hold back. "I gave you everything." I heard her sob. "I don't know if there's anything left." She said as she wrapped her arms around me and cried harder. We stayed silent for quite some time before she removed herself from my arms and sat next to me, our shoulders touching as we stared in front of us.

"I'm not going to be able to live without you Demi." She said. "I just don't think I can live with you either." She stated sadly. "Why did this have to happen?" She asked no one.

"Selena. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I know that apologies cannot change anything. I know that the damage that I have done, is done and can't be taken back. I also realize that there is a very real possibility that some of that damage is permanent and cannot be fixed. Before you got here I was sitting on the floor in my studio and I realized that I had to let you go. It wasn't because I didn't love you, it was because I loved you too much to keep doing this. I don't want you to constantly feel guilty. I'm tired of seeing you cry. I'm tired of turning your life upside down. It physically causes me pain, to think about everything I've put you through." I said as I wiped my tears away.

"I love you the way you love me Demi. I don't know how to let you go. It's not all your fault." She replied taking my hand.

"I thought that If I kept the darkest parts of me from you, I could protect you from them. I was so wrong. I let them destroy us. I let them destroy you. You had no idea how to help me because I wouldn't tell you. I made you walk away. That was my fault. Both times." I choked out.

"Shhh." She whispered as she wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing our foreheads together. "I would have followed you anywhere Demi. I just couldn't find you."

"I'm right here Sel." I said, placing the palm of my hand over her heart. I felt her press her face into my neck and take a deep breath. "You are the love of my life. You're my touchstone, my complete. You're the only thing that makes any sense in this fucked up world. You're my constant. Give me one more chance to be near you again Sel." I said to her as the tears continued to fall. She pulled away, holding my face in her hands. I felt her eyes as they found mine.

"Make me want to stay." She whispered, her bottom lip quivering.

I took a few moments and just stared into her eyes. There were so many things resting in their depths. Fear, love, sadness, hope.

"I can't promise you that I will perfect, cause I'm not and it's not possible. I can promise to love you until I am no longer walking this earth. I promise to give you all of me, even the parts that hurt. You are the only chance I'll take. You're the best part of me Sel. I swear to you, I will love you without fear. I surrender. I'm yours." I say to her.

She continues to stare into my eyes. I watch as more tears start to fall down her cheeks. She bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes. I watch as her hands fall into her lap, my cheeks suddenly missing their warmth. I open my mouth to speak but stop when I realize that I need to give her a moment. I need to let her find her way. I need to let her find me on her own terms. I sit and wait. I hope she wants to stay.


	21. Beautiful Disaster

**A/N: This chapter in Selena's POV. Umm, hopefully you like it. Some of it was super awkward to write and I totally bitched out. Lol. Hopefully it's not terrible. Anyway, there will be one more chapter after this. I think that this story has run its course. I'll make the last chapter a good one. Thank you all so much for reading and please leave a review. I love to read you thoughts. The song in this chapter is called "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.**

I know she was waiting for me to say something. I feel her eyes on me. I could feel the tension radiating from her body. I had no idea what to say. As I sat there trying to process my emotions, I knew that whatever happened from this point on would change the direction of both of our lives forever. I didn't want to say anything, I didn't want to move, not until I was sure. Slowly I could feel the walls that separated us start to crumble. I opened my eyes and looked into hers. I could see everything she was. She was mine. That's what she was, mine, and I was hers. I opened my mouth to speak, but her lips crashing against mine stopped me. I kissed her back. I had never been kissed like this in my entire life. When we pulled apart, I was breathless.

"Demi." I panted. "I'm not leaving you. My life begins and ends with you. You're it for me." I said as I felt the tears streaming down my face. She grabbed my face and placed soft kisses all over.

"Don't cry baby, I've got you." She whispered as she pulled me into her arms. I let her hold me while I cried. I cried about everything. I cried and cried, and much like the tears that flowed, I let all of the heartbreak, sadness, and betrayal spill out. It was all irrelevant at this point. The only thing that mattered was me, and her. As she held me, I could feel her heartbeat against mine. It was strong and steady. I knew that my heart would be safe with her, I knew that she had gone thought hell and returned to me. I knew that I would never lose her again.

"I love you." I said as I pressed our lips together. "I love you." I say again against her lips. I feel her smile as she kisses me again.

"I love you." She says softly as she holds my face in her hands. They way she's looking at me sends shivers down my spine.

I lean forward and press our lips together. The kiss is gentle and soft. I feel her pull me closer as she lightly bites my bottom lip. Our tongues meet as she pushes me back against the couch. Our fingers intertwine as she pins my hands above my head. I hear her growl as Taylor's engagement ring presses into her skin. I make a mental note to remove it. I feel her lips on my neck, and I gasp as my body arched beneath her. I'm suddenly aware that I'm wearing way too many clothes. She stops kissing me long enough to remove her shirt, I do the same. As she continues to place kisses on my bare skin, I can't help but sigh in contentment. My eyes flutter close as she bites and nips in all the right places. I feel her hands as they glide down my ribcage. I bite my bottom lip and gasp. I love her hands. I feel her remove my sweatpants and when I look at her, she's staring at me. Her eyes are dark and full of love. I lean towards her and pull her into me. I want her lips on my mine. I can feel the desire building, she's always had this effect on me. The raw aching need she ignites within me is almost unbearable. I moan softly as I feel her lightly tug on my nipple with her teeth. As she moves lower, placing kisses on my stomach I can't help but push my hips into her. I can feel her smile as she places a kiss on my inner thigh. My body trembles in anticipation.

Very softly I feel her press her lips against my soft folds. My eyes roll into the back of my head as I push my hips up against her mouth. "Please." I gasp. I take in a shaky breath as feel her tongue slide into my core. I cum immediately. She continues to suck and lick my wet center. I can feel each orgasm as it crashes through me. I whimper when I no loner feel her tongue against my clit, as her lips crash against mine I can feel her fingers as they enter me. "Demi." I pant. Slowly she starts to slide in out of me. I can feel the pressure building. "Faster." I breath into her ear. She increases the speed. I feel my entire body shake as I climax, she holds onto me as the waves subside. I feel her collapse onto my chest. I can feel her breathing heavy, as I rub circles on her sweat slicked back.

I wake up and she's still passed out on top of me. She was a lot heavier than I remembered. I smile as I listen to her breathing. As I lay there in her warmth, I can hardly remember why we ever broke up in the first place. She has always been mine. I never should have let her go. I know I'll never say it out loud, but I forgive her for everything. She's perfect the way she is. I know that it hurts to love her sometimes, but that's how I know that what we have is real. It's raw, emotional,dysfunctional at times, and absolutely perfect. She is my beautiful disaster. My life would be empty and colorless without her. I have memorized every part of her. As I reach up to brush her hair out of her face, the glint from the diamond ring on my hand stops me. Slowly I lower my hand so I can reach it with my other hand, and I slip Taylor's ring off of my finger. I close my eyes in an effort to suppress the tears. I had almost forgot about this part, almost. In order to get everything I want, I'm going to have to break her heart. She didn't deserve this.

Slowly but surely, I could feel Demi start to wake up. "Hey sleepyhead." I said softly.

"Hey." She yawned as she slowly lifted her body off mine. "What time is it?" She asked as she pushed her hair out of her face.

"I have no idea." I answered.

I sat there and watched for a few moments. She seemed troubled. She picked up her shirt and pulled it over her head. Once she had it on, she looked directly into my eyes. "We need to talk." She said.

"Ok, I..."

"No. I'll go first." She interrupted. "I'm a little bit nervous right now, so please just bear with me." She explained. "I didn't expect last night to happen. It complicates things a bit. I was prepared to let you go. As of this moment right now, that's not even a possibility. I want all of you Selena. All of it. I don't want to be just friends, I don't want you to be my ex. I want you. You are the mother of my child. You are the other piece of my heart." She stated, as she stood up and walked toward her jacket. She reached into the pocket and pulled out a small box. My heart immediately began to race. I knew what she was about to do. I watched as she dropped down onto one knee and took my left hand into hers. "Selena Marie Russo, I love you. Plain and simple. I love you madly. I know that I'm not perfect, I know that I can be stubborn and difficult, but if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life loving you." She opened the box and took out the biggest ring I have ever seen in my entire life. It was ridiculous. "Will you marry me...again?" She asked with a smile.

As I sat there staring into her eyes, I felt the tears fall. I couldn't speak. I shook my head yes as she slipped the beautiful diamond onto my finger. I suddenly felt whole again. I wrapped my arms around her neck and crushed her into me. I couldn't help it, I was sobbing. She just held me without saying a word. Once I let go, she kissed me softly. "I love you." She told me.

"I love you too." I answered.

"I'm starving." She said grinning at me.

"Ah, and I suppose you want me to cook?" I asked her. She nodded in response. "Get me some clothes and I'll make something." I tell her.

She disappears for a few moments and returns tossing me a thin tank top and a pair of cotton booty shorts. I roll my eyes at her. "This is not subtle at all, Torres." I tease. She just winks and grabs her guitar.

"I will sing for you while you cook and I stare at your ass." She states wiggling her eyebrows. I laugh. She always makes me laugh. As I look back on our relationship, I realize that despite everything, she has made me laugh more than she's made me cry. I listen as she starts to pluck the guitar strings. Before long I hear her soprano voice fill my ears.

_When I look into your eyes_

_It's like watching the night sky_

_Or a beautiful sunrise_

_There's so much they hold_

_Just like them old stars_

_I see that you've come so far_

_To be right where you are_

_How old is your soul?_

_I won't give up on us_

_Even if the skies get rough_

_I'm giving you all my love_

_I'm still looking up_

I heard my phone ringing in the den so ran down the hall to answer it. My heart dropped when I saw the caller id. It was Taylor. I took a deep breath and answered it.

"Hey Tay." I said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Hey" She answered. "I need to talk to you." She added. "I'd prefer to do it person if that's all right."

"Of course. Is everything ok?" I asked her.

I heard her sigh. "Yeah. At least it will be. Eventually." She answered.

"Is this about us?" I ask her softly.

"Yeah. Sel, I don't think there really is an us anymore." She stated. She sounded exhausted. "I talked to Demi a few days ago. I told her I was going to leave you."

"What?" I questioned shocked.

"She didn't say anything about that..." I trailed off when I realized I'd just given myself away. "Shit." I muttered.

"Selena. It's ok. I'm not stupid. Don't be mad at Demi either, I think our conversation was a little too weird and confusing for her anyway. You made this much easier. You left me first." She stated.

"Taylor..."

"It's ok. I'm not mad. It sucks, but I'll live. There's someone out there for me and someday I will find them. I would like for us to be friends. That might be a weird request, but I'd like to think we can manage it." She said.

"Me too." I said feeling slightly dazed.

"I've gotta get going. I'm headed out to Nashville for a bit. I'll see you around. Take care Selena." She said to me before hanging up the phone.

I heard Demi lean up against the door frame as I stood there trying to process what just happened.

"You ok?" She asked me, concern across her features.

"Yeah. That was Taylor." I told here.

"I'm sorry baby." She said, guilt replacing her concern.

"It's ok. It's not your fault. We just needed to get our closure and I think we did. Taylor is happy for me, and you." I reassured her.

She opened her arms to me and I stepped into her embrace. I was home.


	22. Not Broken Anymore

**A/N: I decided to keep this short and sweet. Thank you all so much for reading this story. Leave a review and tell me what you liked and what you didn't like. I know a lot of you want it to continue, but I think that this story has run it's course. I don't want to draw it out and lose the heart and emotion. I may consider writing a sequel. We shall see. In the meantime, read my other stories! I'm currently working on two more as well. They are different from what you usually see as far as this fandom goes. Anyway, thank you all so much. I hope you like this chapter, it's not the original ending. You guys would have killed me. Who knows, maybe I'll release it one these days.**

When you love someone, you will do a lot of stupid things. Some of them will be selfish, some of them will be stubborn, some of them will hurt, and some of them will destroy you. I did my share of all of these things. I managed to love a woman who despite everything I have done to her, gave me a second chance. As I sit here watching her sleep, I have never felt more complete. I lean down and press a kiss to her mouth before leaving our bedroom. It had been almost 2 years since I proposed to her and she said yes. We got married for the second time almost a year ago. I can hear Stella playing guitar in her bedroom. I stand in the doorway quietly and listen. I watch as her small fingers slide down the fret board, meticulously finding the desired chords as she strums. It amazes how fast she has grown up. I feel like I missed so much of her life. She looks up at me with the same brown eyes Selena has, and smiles.

"Hey mom." She says.

"Hey sweetheart." I reply smiling. "What are you playing?" I ask her.

"A new song I'm working on." She says as she starts scribbling in a notebook. Once she's satisfied, she continues to play, humming softly.

"Do you mind if I sit and listen?" I ask her. She smiles and pats the ground next to her. I take a seat and watch her as she continues to play.

I smile as I realize how much like me she actually is. I hope with my all heart she doesn't make the same mistakes I did. She is sensitive and creative. She wears her heart on her sleeve and loves without question. I'm thankful she has Selena's strength, and her compassion. Those two things alone will allow her to face anything this world throws at her. I've never met a stronger woman than her mother. Loving me can hurt like hell, I know it and she knows it. She chooses to do it anyway. She gives me everything that I need. She lets me take even when there's nothing to give. I look at Stella and I have never seen anything more beautiful. She's probably the only thing in my entire life that I've managed to get right.

"Hey baby." I hear Selena say softly from the door. "Whatcha guys doing?" She asks.

"Listening to an angel." I say smiling at Stella.

"Moooom!" She complains. "Don't be such a weirdo!" She says rolling her eyes. I give her a kiss on the forehead as I stand and head toward my wife.

"Thanks for letting me sleep." She breathes as she press our lips together softly.

"Eww. Please take that somewhere else." I hear my 12 year old daughter complain.

Selena laces our hands together and pulls me down the hallway. "Tell me you love me." She whispers as she puts her arms around my neck and pulls me close.

"I love you." I tell her as I stare into her beautiful brown eyes. I watch as a smile lights up her features.

"I love you Demi." She says in return.

I bring my hands up to her face and lightly stroke her cheeks with my thumbs. As I look into her eyes, I know that without her I am nothing. Our love is a type of madness that will never be explained. It has prevailed despite the odds being stacked against us. She's my person, my once in a lifetime. I watch her as she closes her eyes and leans into my hands. She is so beautiful. As a matter of fact, beautiful is an understatement. When she opens her eyes, she takes my breath away. I can see how much she loves me in their depths. I will never deserve her, but I will spend my entire life trying to be worthy. She makes me a better person. She makes me whole. She's the single best decision I have ever made.

"Let's have some coffee." I hear her say, bringing me back to reality.

I follow her downstairs and into our kitchen. We had decided to live in the house I had purchased prior to my sisters death. Selena wanted a fresh start for us. She didn't feel quite as comfortable in our old house due to the history and baggage that had become attached to it. I couldn't agree more. I managed to pick up the pieces of my life and put them all back together. Selena and Stella never let me falter.

"What are you thinking about?" I hear her ask.

"How easy I could have lost you." I answered after taking a sip of my coffee.

"You never lost me Demi." She said softly.

"I lost me." I replied.

"You're here now. That's all that matters." She says placing her hand on mine.

"Sometimes I wish that I could just take it all back and be a better person. I wish I didn't put you through all that." I said sadly.

"I wouldn't change a thing." She tells me. "All of this has made me realize that I cant live without you. It's physically impossible. You have shown me just how much I can love. I can't love anyone else the way that I love you. It has to be you." She says.

Softly I touch her face. I pull her closer and kiss her gently. "I'm not broken anymore." I whisper as I touch our foreheads together. "You've lead me home."


End file.
